Street realizes that it can seem daunting to be surrounded by such a plethora of brilliant and inquisitive minds--from the brimming intellectual curiosity of Wharton students and the singularly profound Penn social interactions that exist as relief from deep thinking and subsequent introspective dilemmas. Here is a small guide for you, too, to become an active participant in this University-wide intellectual renaissance.
1. Develop a highly evolved vocabulary. An integral part of the academic environment at Penn is The Discussion. Whether in the classroom analyzing the fall of Rome or hitting a bubbler in a high rise apartment and analyzing the fall of Billybob, you must find a way to effectively articulate your thoughts. So-called "big words" can convey a point with clarity and strength. Insert terms or phrases like "post-modern" and "stigma of capitalism" liberally in any sentence for a guaranteed intellectual impact. Remember: Bourgeoisie is not a brand of wine.
2. Argue with conviction. When in the midst of debate, be sure to apply those simple Principles of Bullshit gleaned from your high school AP English class. Remember that thing the professor said in class last week? Pretend that it was your original thought and use it against others. Sight non-existent sources if you have to. If things get really desperate, you can always pull the feminist card or point out the inherent racism in an argument.
3. "Be" an intellectual. If you thought being an intellectual necessarily had anything to do with your intellect, you were gravely mistaken; perception is of the utmost importance. Never smile: it's a dead giveaway that the cogs in your brain aren't cranking with the appropriate speed. You might also want to consider coffee and cigarettes. Forget all that "but those are bad habits" rhetoric. Sleepless nights of chain-smoking and existential contemplation (could the Judeo-Christian version of a benevolent God-head allow for my bad skin and inability to score hot freshman chicks?) will produce proper pallor and sunken eyes--truly the marks of the anguished mind. Thus, you must also carry a one-shouldered messenger bag, as the two-shouldered model reflects a tendency toward conformity that is not conducive to your original designs, which of course were very original.
