Break a leg Elian. The former Cuban refugee's Miami home is being transformed into a tourist site. The main attractions will be an inner-tube race through a shark-infested sewage drain and and a pin-the-warhead on the communist booth.
International Students. The DP reports that foreign students are baffled by American binge drinking. They have also had trouble grasping the concepts of Easy Cheese, John Cougar Mellencamp, and the South.
Army 35, Penn 3. In a recent Sprint Football game, the Black Knights annihilated Penn's seemingly voluptuous 11-game win streak. When reached for comment, the Quaker Captain said "We represent the Lollipop Guild, the Lollipop Guild, the Lollipop Guild."
Billybob. In a move that came as a surprise to no one, Billybob was raided by LCE agents. Apparently, they were tipped off by the "You must be this tall to drink" policy.
Break a hip
Anthrax. The Ivy Grill was closed temporarily after a suspicious powder was discovered on a table. Theta girls later apologized for not snorting up their mess before leaving.
Anthrax Anthrax. More than 2,000 Postal Workers are being tested for the disease after the spores infected a third handler. Street longs for the day when we have only to fear the mailman and not the mail.
Anthrax Anthrax Anthrax. Nationwide panic builds as the Anthrax Death Toll inches towards double-digits. In other news, the 800th person this week died in a car crash and nobody gave a fuck.
