In the interest of public duty and self-discovery, here is a foolproof test for all you guys out there to discover how masculine you truly are, once and for all. No longer will you have to rely on bench pressing and furtive locker room glances to discover how you stack up. Grab a pen and get going:
Where are you from? a) New York, N.Y.
b) Lower Merion, Pa.
c) Los Angeles, Calif.
d) New Jersey
What school are you in?
a) Engineering
b) Wharton
c) College
d) Nursing
Where do you live?
a) Walnut Street
b) Pine Street
c) High Rise South
d) Delancey
Please match your last name
a) Silver- 1) -berg
b) Rosen- 2) -stein
c) Horo- 3) -witz
d) Zucker- 4) -steinberg
Where did you really want to go to college?
a) Penn
b) Harvard
c) Berkeley
d) MIT
Choose the best completion to this sentence: "Your mom is so..."
a) fat, she's stuck in the door
b) poor, she's stuck in Compton
c) ugly, she's stuck in Pi Phi
d) glam-trash, she's stuck in the `80s
Was the 'Yo mama is so poor' joke funny at all?
Use this space to come up with something better if you think you're so funny.
It's fun to spontaneously drive to:
a) Villanova
b) Atlantic City
c) New York
d) Banana Republic
What do you use to spank off?
a) Nothing, I like it dry
b) Spit
c) Vaseline
d) Some SAE brother
Where do you go to smoke up?
a) Your bedroom
b) Your roof
c) Biopond
d) Legal Studies 210
Where do you go to have sex?
a) Your bedroom
b) Your roof
c) Biopond
d) Legal Studies 210
Do you have an American flag outside your house?
a) Yes
b) Why not?
c) I'm English
Do you have a gay uncle?
Are you sure that's your aunt?
What is the name of your dog?
a) Dog
b) Fido
c) Zsa-Zsa
d) I have a cat
What do you think of Judith Rodin?
a) Lesbian
b) Good President
c) Very professional
d) Nice hair
How about Mask & Wig?
a) Who?
b) They suck.
c) They look pretty good as
women.
d) I've been to all their shows.
In The Truth about Cats and Dogs, would you choose Uma Thurman or Janeane Garofalo?
a) Uma
b) Janeane
Who is your favorite Scubbin' editor?
a) Gary Kiang
b) Paul Manion
c) Jarrod Koenig
What do your parents do?
Does he need an assistant?
If you had to guess what Scubbin' means:
a) Joshing
b) Ralphing
c) Nietszcheing
d) Don't know, probably
involves a truckload of cum
The word that always makes me laugh is:
a) Sheep
b) Schuylkill
c) Muesli
d) Conshohocken
Who's got the best rack?
a) Pam Anderson
b) Star Jones
c) Jennifer Love Hewitt
d) Britney Spears
Who's got the best package?
a) Antonio Sabato
b) Josh Hartnett
c) Nick Carter
d) Star Jones
Choose the best useless celebrity:
a) Fran Drescher
b) Carson Daly
c) David Hyde Pierce
d) Scott Baio
The adjective most frequently heard before my name is:
a) Evil
b) Shifty
c) Shady
d) Hot
The first thing I think when I hear Theta is:
a) Snow
b) Powder
c) Coke
d) Wholesome
Ready to score yourself?
Bulldog
You answered mostly 'a's. To get a score this low, you either play football or have already nailed every girl from third floor Butcher. You also probably drive a Chevy Camaro and have a special pet name for it. Lucky number: 24. Best name for your penis: Ralph.
Sidekick
You answered mostly 'b's. You love telling the story of how you got with some model on spring break, but it's actually your friend's story. You spend your summers working at Gold's Gym for the girls in spandex and free creatine samples. Lucky number: 16 (most Bud Light you drank in one night). Best name for your penis: Buddy.
Ambiguous
You answered mostly 'c's. You've seen Top Gun 500 times because you think it's "good social commentary on male bonding." You took ballet lessons until you were 7, but then switched to wrestling because it was more masculine. Lucky number: 7. Best name for your penis: Pat.
Hello, Dolly!
You answered mostly 'd's. You're 15 minutes from a sex change and know the words to every Barbara Streisand musical, but that's a good thing because she has beautiful hands. Your inner confidence stems from an exceptional endowment. Lucky number: 63. Best name for your penis: Winky.
