Finding virgins at Penn is like masturbating to pictures of Mona from Who's the Boss?--hard to come by. But that doesn't mean they don't exist. In fact, there is a campaign swelling on campus to keep youngsters out of bed. One organization that has spontaneously popped up is Desirable Virgins Dedicated to Abstinence. DVDA offers many creative alternatives to making sexual connections. I hope that the following excerpt from a DVDA pamphlet arouses your interest.
Alternatives to Sex:
1) Hot Dog Pole Vaulting
Fifty-two percent of female Penn students find that simply being surrounded by penis-shaped objects sexually satisfies them. While these are the same girls that attach vibrating pagers to their tampons, there is definitely something to the theory. When a girl is surrounded by phallic symbols, her body will go through a series of smooth muscle contractions that will enable her to achieve an orgasm, thus releasing built up sexual energy and alleviating the sinful need for intercourse. In order to achieve this sexless orgasm, we suggest writing with No. 10 pencils, making banana and walnut popsicles and just plain staring at cock all day.
A word of caution for our male readers: stay away from file cabinets. While the hotdog theory is an ever-rising success, the male version of the theory will not work for those who surround themselves with vagina-like objects and tend to hump anything with a slit.
2) Buy a book. Own a cat.
Studies conducted by the Classical Studies Department reveal that 87 percent of students who lose their virginities before the age of 42 cannot read. The prevailing theory is that not everyone thirsts for Peter Shaffer's animal-friendly subtext. Who needs stories of horse-obsessed youth when you have a raging stud of your own ardently waiting to break through your barn doors?
While such an uncultured lifestyle works for some, we at DVDA desire more stimulating sensations. Going to the bookstore can be quite the satisfying trip.
Buy a book (suggested reading: Queen of Wands by Judy Rae Grahn). Then find a furry feline to befriend. Cuddle with your kitty and read together. Right as the story approaches its climax, reach down and pet your pussy. Meow.
3) Write gratuitous sex columns under entirely too obvious pseudonyms
Double-blind placebo studies conducted by the six non-Asian biology majors at Penn have concluded that, for 63 percent of the population, writing can serve as an outlet for sexual energy (five paragraphs approximately equals one orgasm). Positive feedback from your columns will remind you that you do have talent, and that it's not really that bad to be a virgin. And damn it, who cares if everyone laughs at you when you stay in on Friday nights stroking your keyboard while everyone else gets drunk and screwed?
Sublimation is copulation.
All students should make time for a little DVDA in their lives. DVDA-recommended activities are significantly more invigorating and creative than normal sex. Good luck, and keep screwing up.
A Nursing junior, Madonna Sills is known as "shake shake" due to her lucrative stint on the Vaudeville circuit. (You should see what she can do with a pair of tassels and a French horn-playing bull dog.) On being one of the five founding fathers of DVDA, she once said, "Being fat, my fingers are bigger than any dick I've come by. On those lonely winter nights, I often find myself asking, 'Who needs cock when you're a fat ass?'" Like every devout Episcopalian, she thinks Napoleon was onto something and enjoys anal sex on the Sabbath. Her cat's name is Poncho.
