Best Record Store: Spaceboy Music
407 South Street If you think the only place to buy some crazy off-shoot of a band or a rare EP is online, you're so very wrong. Here, the discs are cheap and the salespeople knowledgeable, and it's oh-so-much better to buy from small stores with people who care about what they're selling. So next time you get your face pierced on South Street, stop by Spaceboy and expand your musical horizons. Best ethnic food: Dahlak
4708 Baltimore Ave. Once you get used to the sponge-like bread, you'll barely miss your knife and fork. The Ethopian and Eritrean restaurant serves an array of barely recognizable, but nonetheless tasty, piles of mush--meals are often served on traditional family-style plates, to be scooped up with Ethiopian flatbread.
Best on-campus art gallery:
Charles Addams Gallery
36th and Walnut streets Now you can wander around looking at artwork you don't understand in an even better gallery. Where better to view "Oh Sweet Titty Milk" and other student and faculty works than in the Fisher Fine Arts Library itself? The gallery has more space, better lighting and longer hours than most other spaces on campus, and is almost always virtually silent.
Best Deli: Koch's
4309 Locust Street An obvious winner, Koch's Deli still stands as the best in Philadelphia. With unorthodox combinations of food (russian dressing and about eight types of meat comprise a regular sandwich), Koch's creates a sandwich that is closer to a full day's worth of meals than just a mid-day snack.
Best place for Chai: Avril 50
3406 Sansom Street Every other coffee shop on campus makes it from a box. It's just not the same unless John, Avril 50 owner and sole employee, scoops the mysterious spice mixture from the little metal canister, steams the fresh milk and mixes the best (and also the cheapest) cup of chai tea latte on campus like only he knows how.
Best French Fries:
Ishkabibble's
Ninth and Federal streets Lost on that gargantuan block of meat and Cheez Whiz, also known as the home of Pat's (hooray) and Gino's (boo), Ishkabibble's provides the complement to a greasy lump of steak coated in an imitation cheese substance. Ishkabibble's is the home of the best fries in Philly, cooked to a crunchy consistency and covered in--you guessed it--Cheez Whiz.
Best Cheap Eat: New Delhi
4004 Chestnut Street Boasting an expansive but inexpensive all-you-can-eat buffet ($5.95 for lunch, $8.95 for dinner), New Delhi provides the best Indian food around, and it won't drain your wallet. And don't miss out on the mango ice cream--or the student discount.
Best Food Truck Owner: Bui
38th and Spruce streets The best food truck personality, Bui always meets the Sunday hangover with his toothless grin and "eggncheese." Cheery and delightful, Bui offers a range of foods from the egg and cheese (with pork options) to hoagies, but even more important, he offers the rest of his family, as the whole clan rotates in and out of the truck, all able to recite the infamous Bui family motto, "saltpeppaketchup."
Best Place to Watch The Big Game: Shula's Steak 2
36th and Chestnut streets This steakhouse could be renamed the Sports Bar at Penn for its upscale take on a regular football/baseball game-viewing joint. Shula's isn't notorious for the swiftness of its service, but that doesn't stop it from being great for watching [insert your team of choice] with enough TVs to cover every sporting desire.
Best Bar Menu: LT's
3432 Sansom Street Quality food for under $10 is the name of the game at the La Terrasse bar. The Sirloin Burger is a campus favorite, and the French onion soup is the perfect remedy for a cold afternoon. If battling through what seems like an inch of melted cheese isn't filling enough, the semi-sweet taste of carmelized onions in a vegetarian broth is sure to warm the "cockles of your heart."
Best Quizo: New Deck Tavern
3408 Sansom Street Quizo is almost as big of a hit as beruit at Penn. Every night of the week, bars across campus offer you the opportunity to play a team bar quiz for prizes, allowing for plenty of raucous debate with your friends (but not so loud that the other team hears) and plenty of time in between rounds to get sloppy drunk. Quizo is fun wherever you play it, but Wednesdays at New Deck gets Best of Penn recognition for its combination of good atmosphere, good beer selection and tons of free peanuts.
Best take-out beer: Cav's
119 S. 39th Street When it's late and just a few more beers are needed to keep the buzz, there seems to be take-out solutions on every corner. But if you are looking for a selection beyond Yuengling and Bud, Cav's will fulfill any malty yearning. Not only does it offer a full range of Pete's Wicked brews and a variety of Samuel Smith flavors, but variations on the traditional beers, such as the Yuengling Black and Tan, are readily available. If only one drink is needed, the huge assortment extends to single beers as well. Oh--and if you're just looking for a Bud, it has that, too.
Best Milkshake: Lee's Hoagie House
4034 Walnut Street The folks at Lee's don't seem to much enjoy the hassle of making their three-scoop strawberry, chocolate, vanilla or black and white milkshakes, but they should be proud of the results. While $3.50 is normally a lot for a shake, the oh-so-satisfying feeling of the "Extra Thique" struggling down your throat is well worth it. Best Cheap Dessert: Scoop de Ville
107 S. 18th Street A cheery pink awning draws you into this tiny ice cream shop, which is dominated by a huge blackboard listing all of the flavors and toppings available. The ice cream flavors are basic, but the toppings are outrageous and are freshly blended into the ice cream of your choice. Pictures of smiling customers fill up one wall while a candy and chocolate case lines the other side.
Best Used Bookstore: The Book Trader
501 South Street In this expansive yet cozy store, a cat weaves through the towering shelves of books while comfy chairs invite you to sit for a spell. The two floors are chock full of literature in every imaginable topic, and the staff is friendly and full of worthwhile suggestions. Also, note the vinyl collection in the back room.
Best Gourmet Dessert: Pod
3636 Sansom Street Every now and then its worth splurging with more than your friends Ben, Jerry and Eddy. Sometimes the sweet tooth calls for an upscale treat. Enter Pod, Penn's Stephen Starr franchise, offering a reasonably priced dessert menu filled with fantastic delicacies. Slide in after 10:30 to miss the long dinner waits and delve into the sweet and tart blend of the Passion Fruit Brulee ($8.50), or the Chocolate Harmony, whose white and dark chocolate moose form a silky yinyang ($8.50). A late night trip to Pod for dessert is also a great way to turn a lame date at Cinemagic into a classy evening sure to end just as you hoped it would.
Best Margarita Monday: Chili's
3801 Chestnut Street No, it's not Se¤or Frog's and your best friend isn't getting propositioned in Spanish by the guy with the bottle of green liquor and the whistle, but Chili's Margarita Mondays are certainly the next best thing. Top-shelf 10- oz. Margaritas for $2 are on special all day, and the casual atmosphere means that you and your friends don't even have to get dressed for the occasion. Almost as good as Chotchkie's for someone with a case of the Mondays.
Best Brunch: Blue in Green
719 Sansom Street Are you a hipster with a passion for a delectable Sunday brunch? At Blue in Green, get a helping of positively luscious apple cinnamon pancakes with a side of attractive twenty-something gazing. Creative "gourmet" omelets are also tops. But the yummiest thing on the menu is the hot vanilla drink-- rich and smooth, with a dollop of honey and a sprinkling of cocoa. Everything about Blue in Green suggests "minimalist" and screams "scene," including the retro little space and assortment of hot magazines (like Paper) to read as you wait or sit at the bar.
Best Bathroom: Inn at Penn
3600 Walnut Street Somewhere between your house on 42nd Street and your class in Towne, the bladder starts to fill and the beer and burritos from last night start to shift in your belly. That's where the Inn at Penn becomes your savior. The roomy environment and plush toilet paper put the culture in shitting. If a crap isn't your urge, there is plenty of room to lay horizontal with the one you love, or don't, for that matter. If you can manage jogging up the stairs, b-line to the bathrooms near the ballrooms for an extraordinary excretory experience.
Best hair salon:
Vog International Hair Salon
135 S. 19th Street
Getting a haircut at Vog is not for the faint of heart: not just anyone can handle the transformation from plain average student to punk-rock star. But don't worry--stylists will confer with you for a half an hour before doing anything dramatic. The salon just opened a new location near campus, at 31st and Walnut streets.
Best Pinball: University Pinball
4006 Spruce Street Possibly the most inexpensive and underused spot on campus, University Pinball is a great place to try the latest games and throw away those precious laundry quarters. As you take in the rattling hip-hop and neighborhood crowd, make sure to check out Soul Calibur or South Park, where one quarter can keep you busy for half an hour.
Best place for a group dinner: Penang
117 N. 10th Street Probably the least sketchy place in Chinatown, Penang's artsy metallic decor is just one of the reasons to take the peeps here. If the quick service and generous portion sizes at moderate prices don't wow you, roti will.
Best Pizza: College Pizza
3925 Walnut Street When the late-night munchies hit, and only frozen fishsticks can be found in the freezer, it's time to order pizza. Yet despite the myriad of options available, in the end it falls between the big commercial pizza producers or a good ol' homemade pie. That's where College pizza steps in. If a pizza isn't what you crave (though one whiff will create the urge), the eggplant parmesan, consisting of a mass of cheese over tender, breaded eggplant, will satisfy anyone.
Best Place to Buy Fresh Produce: 40th Street Fruit Lady
40th and Locust streets There is only one way to gather the ingredients for a last minute fruit salad for tonight's dinner party, and it doesn't include facing large lines and dodging shopping carts. The babe across from the old Uni-Mart sells more than just oranges and star fruit. In fact, she has gone underground, with veggies that is. Cucumbers and peppers priced by the scale prove that taste isn't related to technology. It's the homegrown feeling in the middle of West Philly that has made this small stand the center of any worthy home-cooked meal.
Best condom selection: Rite Aid
4237 Walnut Street Here are carried all textures, colors, and sizes. And plus, there is a grand selection of lubricants from cherry flavored to good old original astroglide. Best of all, no one from Penn ever goes to Rite Aid, so you won't be seen selecting those strawberry flavored peewee condoms.
Best "Walk": Woodland Walk In a beautiful attempt to join the campuses of Drexel and Penn by extending Locust Walk through Hill Field to Chestnut Street, Penn inadvertently offers the student body the best place to puff a bowl. It's no longer necessary to be all shady as you smoke the cheeba down Locust or Sansom Street. Now, a nightly stroll through our new walk will place you on Chestnut with deeper thoughts and your vision working in frames. Only problem is, what's there to do on 33rd and Chestnut?
Best Place to Find Rats: Hamilton Court It may be the best off-campus apartment complex. But that doesn't mean tenants don't have to share space with friendly rodents. It's a reality to be dealt with, and it's the price one pays for living on the bottom floor. Try all the traps you want, but a beebee gun from an upstairs window overlooking the courtyard is a far more exciting method of pest control.
Best Failed Business Venture: SAS The flop of the Sundance movie theater, the Diner flip-flop game, none of these Penn flops can compare to the ultimate failure: School of Arts and Sciences. For years, SAS has pretended to deliver to the world educated people under the pretense that they have attended an Ivy League University, while in actuality, most of them become bums, slackers, movie theater attendants and, worst of all, anthropology majors. It's amazing that, after three diners in three years, Penn has as of yet to replace SAS with a Devry or a McDonald's trainee center.
Best Cell Phone Reception
Your Ass, directly below your beer belly Across the whole campus, the best place by far to get reception on your cell phone is up your ass. That's right, all you yuppie schmucks, shove that cell phone faaaaar up your rectum, bend over and talk into it. You'll hear a clearer conversation than when Daddy said your trust fund could purchase the whole Smith Bros fall wardrobe. Also check out the button--it's a great place to intercept other people's personal conversations.
Best Place to Grab a bite after a late-night show
House of Chen
932 Race Street
(215) 925-4248 The House of Chen, open to hours well past night and working towards dawn, is a quaint hangout that has no stereotypes against stoned hippies hanging out for eggrolls at 5 a.m. Its close proximity to the Trocadero allows for an easy after-hours venue to blab about a killer show or to vent about the Troc's ever-aggravating staff.
Best Movie Theater The Ritz movie theaters are the best! They play the limited release movies, the indies and regular stuff! They're in Old City, there are a bunch of bars around, it's nice and far from Penn and there's a subway stop near each one! But out of them, the Bourse is the best. Nothing beats those escalators!
Best Place to be Pretentious About Your Beer
Monk's Cafe
264 S. 16th Street
(215) 545-7005 Monk's Cafe has 18 taps and tons of beer nerds who hold their brew up to the light before lightly sipping it. Dudes and ladies who dress like dudes (i.e. J. Crew) discuss the body, texture, hops content and depth of their Trappist ales before heartily imbibing--it's pretentious and fun. And there's delicious food at this would-be Belgian bar, too, like salads, sandwiches and bourbon mayonnaise.
Best Venue to See Your Former Favorite Lead Singer
The North Star Bar
27th and Poplar streets
(215) 684-0808 With its skylights, pool tables and cheap Yuenglings, the NorthStar makes a decent bar. But the tiny stage in the bar's back room that has attracted such performers as Glen Phillips of Toad the Wet Sprocket, Evan Dando of the Lemonheads, Frank Black of the Pixies and Curt Kirkwood of the Meat Puppets has made the North Star the coolest little venue that you've never heard of. Wait a few years, and you'll see Julian Casablancas doing an acoustic set at the NorthStar, too.
Best UTV show
No Decision: Too Close to Call After hours and hours glued to ResNet's channel 13, our trained TV review board could not reward any one particular show for fear that other amazing programming would be ignored. We judged each show on the basis of dead air, nauseatingly unsteady camerawork and overall lack of relevance. But then again, UTV is really great television when you're stoned.
Best Place to Get Oneself Off:
Ben Franklin Bench, 37th and Locust streets There's something so comforting, so masculine about those outstretched arms, that metallic grin, that glint of sunlight off of those bifocals.... It makes our hearts melt, makes us think of what could have been, had we lived but a few centuries earlier and felt Ben Franklin's now metallic rump in the flesh. All I can do is sit here with three of my fingers and pretend that Ben is still here...
