On their painting:
Lauren: We stare at that for a long time. Like whenever people come over we just stand and stare at it. Everyone has, like, their own interpretation of it. We think it's about, like, contrast. Because you have the Leaning Tower of Pisa...
Melissa: But it's not.
Lauren: It's supposed to be leaning but it's not... Stuff isn't what it's supposed to be.
On their relationship:
Lauren: Well, we contrast.
Melissa: Do we? I don't think we do.
Lauren: I think we do.
Melissa: How do we contrast?
Lauren: 'cause you're crazy.
Melissa: I disagree.
Lauren: Well, we are both crazy, but [we] kind of balance each other out. Like I lean this way [leans to the left] and she leans that way [pushes Melissa to the right]. But there's middle. Right? Like you're low maintenance and I am high maintenance.
Melissa: That's true.
Lauren: See. And how I'm a girl and you are not really...
Melissa: Thank you! What she means is that she's more girly than I am.
Lauren: She's more rational and I'm less rational. Right?
Melissa: Girls are not rational.
Lauren: Want a cookie?
On cookies:
Lauren: I baked cookies. They are mandel bread. It's my mom's famous recipe, and I made it. We drank last week, and I sobered up and made cookies, and I couldn't find [Melissa] for two days.
Melissa: It wasn't two days!
Lauren: Yes it was!
Melissa: It was like a day.
Lauren: They are chocolate chip. They are really good!
On our showing up an hour and a half late for the interview:
Melissa (makes sour face): Too bad you can't get that on tape.
Lauren: Can you write, "Melissa makes sour face?" [Melissa makes sour face].
On Melissa's slippers:
Lauren: Look, she has matching slippers!
Melissa: Well, those slippers get worn together. One is blue and one is a booty or whatever you want to call it. They get worn together because my mom threw out their matches. The dog [slipper] had a wife but she got left at home, so the dog gets the [slipper] with the heart.
Lauren: Why did your mom throw out the matches?
Melissa: Because she thought they were too dirty to be taken in the house, I think.
Lauren: So one of them was dirty and the other one wasn't?
Melissa: No, because I had worn the other ones last year, and the other ones got too dirty. So these are the ones that didn't get too dirty. I finally bought matching slippers. These are bees and they are really cute.
On their own language and toy people:
Melissa: We don't really have our own language. What she means is that we can both just kind of shriek at the same time and know what the other person is saying.
Lauren: And no one else knows what we are saying.
Melissa: And everyone else is like "hmmmmm."
Lauren: And then we're like, "Oh. You're right." And then they'll be like, "What?"
Melissa: 'cause we agreed. Our shrieking agreed. Obviously.
Lauren: We sound like two high-pitched toys... Oh! We are toy people!
Melissa: Yeah we are toy people.
Melissa: You know those toy dogs? They are small and provide companionship. Well, we are toy people! We are small and provide companionship.
Lauren: She came up with it and I was like, "I like that!" Because other words I don't like, like "vertically challenged." I don't like that. But I like "toy people."
Melissa: "Toy people" is cute.
Lauren: My mom said it is good to be short because you can date tall guys and short guys... Like, if you're 5'10 you can't date someone who's 5'9.
Melissa: Why not?
On future living arrangements...
and gongas:
Melissa: We are staying here [in Hamilton 506].
Lauren: Yeah, I think we are gonna stay here.
Melissa: And we are gonna rearrange the room and make it weirder.... We are going to make it like an office.... You want to put the beds out [in the living room]?
Lauren: Or we could move the desks in [the living room].
Melissa: In fact you know what? We could just move the mattresses in there and get rid of these gongas [points to the bed frame].
Lauren: Gongas are things. Like instead of saying "things" she says "gongas."
On robbing banks and transvestites:
Melissa: It doesn't make sense to rob banks, because they don't keep that much money there. And it's a federal offense if you do. You are better off robbing something else.
[Rachel Wish enters the room]
Rachel: Like a convenience store. Or Nordstrom's. They have a lot of money there.
Melissa: Nordstrom's. I never thought of that one.
Lauren: No, the most lucrative crime is corporate crime. White-collar crime. Because they don't get caught. Because if they do get caught you can get a kickback and just quietly [they'll be told], "Don't destroy our firm. So go somewhere else."
Rachel: Or Internet fraud.
Lauren: No.
Rachel: You can scam some money out of that.
Melissa: Especially from old people... We learned that in my psych class.
Lauren: Melissa has so much fun with her Abnormal Psych class.
Melissa: Oh I love that class--I have so much fun.
Lauren: She will sit there and read the book and we'll be studying and all of a sudden she goes, "Hehehehe," And I'm like, "What the hell?" And she's like, "It's my book!"
Melissa: [The book] had a chapter about transvestites. They said that transvestites get turned on by knitting in front of other women. What the hell is that?
On television:
Lauren: Did someone tell you we named the T.V.?
Melissa: You did!
Rachel: You guys are going to get made fun of so intensely [when the interview is printed] and I am just going to laugh my ass off.
Melissa: Can we tell them the name of the T.V.?
Lauren: No let's not tell them the name of the T.V.
Melissa: The name of the television is...
Lauren: No come on!
Melissa: The television's name is Larry.
Lauren: Because her name is Moe and my name is Curly.
On characterizing their room
as a vegetable:
Melissa: Oh, I know! Butterscotch!
Lauren: That's not a vegetable!
Melissa: It doesn't matter! Our room is definitely butterscotch.
Lauren: Why?
Melissa: Weird at first but then you get used to it.
Lauren: I like our room--I don't think it's weird.
Melissa: Other people might think it's weird. [Editor's note: We didn't think that their room was weird.]
Rachel: I don't think it's weird. I just think it's weird when I walk in at inopportune times. Like when you're [Melissa] cleaning the refrigerator and you're [Lauren] on the phone.
Lauren: Vegetables are so boring. Maybe if it was like a fruit.
Rachel: Hey, I just came to go to services.
Does your room, or that of someone you know, deserve to be featured in "Room"?
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pennsylvanian.com.
