For the loneliest of us, Valentine's Day is American society's way of gently poking and prodding at every insecurity, character flaw and inadequacy that you might have. If you are ugly, ejaculate prematurely, don't wipe properly, are a misfit, a goy, less than six inches, can't get laid, whatever; leave it to Valentine's Day to bring all your insecurities out for a hellish 24 hours. If you're teetering on the edge, it's usually Valentine's Day that gives you that little love-tap to send you plummeting into oblivion. But, thanks in large part to the champions of industry, Valentine's Day no longer has to be a painful process of waiting and hoping.
Now that Valentine's Day and market capitalism are inextricably linked, it is possible to shop online for a variety of products tailor-made to suit your own personal defects. If you're a lonely female, you might want to purchase the seven-inch, Pyrex dildo available at www.yahoogifts.com. For a guy that wants to surprise the special white-trash ho in his life, most confectioners offer chocolate sex toys, online, in their Adults Only section. Is your boyfriend phallically inadequate? What better way to tell him than through a gift of Mrs. Field's cookie hearts and a bottle of IntimiX -- an all-natural supplement that will add an extra two inches onto your lover's soul pole. You wish it were true girls.
Finally, for the truly deranged among us, there is the "Turd-Twister." For those of you not in-the-know, the Turd Twister "is designed to fit comfortably up your butt during your morning constitutional. Insert the disc, hold it tenderly between your butt cheeks, and let nature take its course. Now you can take advantage of sophisticated Turd Twister extrusion technology to craft incredible excremental designs whenever you like!" Now, you're probably asking, "How does this relate to Valentine's Day?" Or maybe just groaning in disgust. But according to one of Turd Twister's satisfied customer's, Tom G., "The first turd I twisted was a real winner. I left a heart-shaped Love Turd delicately displayed on a bed of tissue for my wife to find on Valentine's Day. Let me just say that the shock and horror in her eyes was wonderfully mixed with a sentimental glow of true romantic appreciation."
Ain't love grand?
