So you guys live far away from campus. Does the drug use compromise the long walks?
Chris: They complement each other.
Matt: It's not a big deal. I got a bike. It makes it a lot easier.
Chris: I don't [have a bike], but the drugs tend to kick in before I leave.
Is there a reason the couch is covered?
Chris: I got that outside my [previous] house so I don't know where it's been. That one, too [pointing at the second couch in the living room] came with the house. Our other roommate slept on it and woke up with a rash.
Matt: When we first moved in here I sat down there and within about fifteen minutes I was starting to wheeze. My eyes were watering and itchy. There's some nasty shit going on with that thing.
I like how you kept [the couches] though.
Matt: Oh yeah.
Chris: Oh yeah. Part of the history of the house. When we moved in it was full of Rumanian physicists. They still get all this mail.
(Tim hesitates.) I thought you meant the couch [was full of Rumanian physicists].
Matt: We found some spare change and guests tucked in the [cushions].
Tim: Illegal immigrants...
Scott: ... hiding in the couch.
Does every room require the enhancement of a black light?
(Chris receives a phone call and leaves the room.)
Matt: Contrary to the whole look of this place, I don't really eat a lot of acid. No, seriously that's [pointing to the black light paraphernalia] mostly their work.
Scott: So you wait for [Chris] to leave and then you start saying all these things.
(Chris returns, and we now move to the vacant part of the basement)
Ever go through that door?
Chris: We keep it pretty securely locked.
Matt (opens the door to show a small room): Here's the point where the entire house is collapsing.
I can picture someone huddling in there.
Matt: We also have a pack of rat-dogs living between the second and third floors.
What are their names?
Matt: I don't know. We don't know how many there are, but they make a lot of noise. We'll be trying to sleep and hear in between the floors this really loud "buhdoompf." Whatever it is running around our floors, they are big fucking creatures... There are whimpers and squeals. It's pretty scary.
Chris: It's some kind of creature and that's why we can't name it.
That's fair and democratic of you... Where are you guys from?
Chris: We're both from Baltimore.
Did you know each other from before?
Chris: We didn't know each other from before, but we had this one schizophrenic friend in common... It's also funny because we both dated the same girl in Baltimore.
All I know about Baltimore is John Waters, heroin and garbage -- like the image of John Waters shooting heroin and rolling around in garbage. Is that about right?
Chris: There's a lot of crack. Don't forget the crack.
Matt: I worked in a furniture construction place over the summer in Baltimore -- one of the really bad areas -- and it was like people getting stabbed at four in the afternoon.
Chris: Yeah, there was some ritual running. You know like the running of the bulls? I'll leave that up to you.
Matt: I was talking to my boss. And asked, "What's going on?" [The boss replied,] "Nothing. The state of affairs around this area is really fucked up. Have you witnessed the running of the drugs yet?" [I said,] "What?" [And he answered,] "The running of the drugs -- every once in while a dealer will get a new shipment and have their freebie day. And for some reason, they tell one junkie and... they go and tell all the junkies everywhere. And then, they'll meet at one corner in southwest Baltimore, and some guy will pop out of the car and say, 'Chocolate City. Free sample, free sample.'" And out of nowhere zombies like in the "Thriller" video come out. You turn around and like fifty junkies are crawling out.
(We move to Chris' room.) That's an old mattress you got there.
Chris: Yeah. It was passed down to us from ...
(Chris is interrupted by the sound of a trapped poodle trying to meow. It's the rat-dog in the heater grate.)
What was that?
Matt: It's like this painful whining.
How many [rat-dogs] are there?
Chris: We can't tell.
Matt: Is that a pigeon?
Chris: I call it a rat-dog.
Ever see The People Under the Stairs?
(All are silent, vigilantly awaiting the next cry of the rat-dog. This time it sounds like the muted breathing of a small child in hiding.)
Matt: What the fuck is that?
Scott: Unlike anything I have ever heard.
If you could fuck, kill and marry Alvin, Theodore and Simon, who would you pick for each?
Matt: Wait, Theodore is the fat one, right?
Scott: Yeah.
Matt: Probably fuck Alvin...
Chris: Gotta kill Simon because his voice is so...
Matt: See, I don't know.
Chris: [The Chipmunks] would be so much better if Simon just wasn't a part.
But now you're stuck marrying Theodore.
Matt: That's what I was thinking. I'd fuck Alvin. Kill Theodore, and marry Simon.
I think in the long run Simon is the better catch.
Matt: Word.
Chris: [Referring to Theodore,] you have to take into account the cushion.
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