I was promoted, once. I was working the register at a bagel restaurant and the manager said, "You look like you might not steal from the register... you're promoted!" Then he finished by saying, "You're promoted to waking up at 4:00 AM and thawing out the bagels by yourself." Then he really finished by saying, "I wouldn't say you will get a raise, but I also wouldn't say you will get less money, unless you work less hours, which you will." I reluctantly accepted his proposal.
Since the bagel shop was named after an inventor and I had nothing else to do, I thought I should invent something too. My first and last idea was the S'mores bagel. I would take a frozen plain bagel, and while it was thawing, I would smoosh a giant marshmallow into the bagel hole. Then, once it was fully thawed, I would dip it in melted chocolate and then heat it up. Afterwards it would emerge as a mess of dough, marshmallow, and chocolate, and I would smash it in between two enormous graham crackers. It looked weird and got poor reviews at first.
But one day, one of my good buddies came in and I gave him one and he said it was the best goddamn bagel he ever had in his entire life. Actually, he was stoned and he said it was the best thing he had ever seen or touched in his life: better than Halloween, the first two Godfather movies, and also better than that rock group with the one-armed drummer (He called the band Def Zeppelin, ordered a huge drink, and fell asleep in a booth). My S'mores bagels didn't sell well becaue my boss wouldn't let me show them to anyone, including himself. But that does not mean my summer was a failure. In fact, it was very much a success, since I transformed a rather mundane, tedious summer job into something well... not so mundane and tedious.
Ya see, summer jobs don't have to be boring. Quirky odd jobs are what give you true experience and quality memories. Sitting in an office all day may look great on a resume, but where's the excitement? Where's the sense of being useless with no future? Today, I sit in an office all day and these thoughts conjure memories of past summer job titles: "Waiter," "Busboy," "Guy Who Called Doctors and Got Yelled At," and my personal favorite, "Aisle Food Sample Hander-Outer." That one was the bee's knees.
Handing out samples in the aisles of a discount store is something I will never forget. I would go there in the morning, get my rubber gloves, put on a hairnet, and hand out flyers for reduced prices on dog food to passersby. You're thinking: "why you would need a hairnet to hand out flyers for dog food, right?" When I asked my boss that question, she replied: "Shut up, Whitey." A little confused, I continued to follow her protocol, and went back to my station. But then my boss's wisdom rang true as I saw someone actually lick the hair-free flyer. My boss must have been some kind of soothsayer! Meanwhile, I brainstormed other ways to do the job: maybe I could put the flyers in my mouth, lie down, and pretend to be dead. When people came over to resuscitate me I could pop up suddenly and say "Dog Food Bargain Bonanza!" with a dog accent, and all the flyers would spray out of my mouth. In the end, I realized that I could easily lose my job to a table, or worse yet, the dreaded fold-out chair. Anyway, when I was good, they would let me hand out mozzarella sticks. I instituted a strict "one for you, one for me" policy, so that I could enjoy the delicious treat with the customer. I specifically remember being asked not to return.
Honor? Overrated. Pride? Who cares! Resume? Just a piece of paper with some typing on it. You say, what about your future? I say, quiet you, what about my past! It was fun, and it made me into the person I am today: the proud creator of the S'mores bagel.
