With the season winding down, Street sat down to do one last interview for the academic year with freshman sluggers Meg McIntosh and Kelly Mitchell. They lead the Class of '28 league in team batting average and runs scored. Their humble little abode in the quad hides some deep seeded secrets about Pretty Pretty Princess, Oral Roberts, and cum stains... What's with the muffins? Kelly: In the beginning of the year, I really liked these mini blueberry muffins, so for my birthday my roommate went and bought pretty much every box in West Philadelphia, so this is pretty much to document them. Is there any ever sexiling action going on? K: No, it's never really been a problem. So you must have a pretty good system or something in place then? Meg: When we go out, we don't lock the top lock, we only lock the bottom lock, so if the top lock is locked then there's something going on. Does that happen often? M: Well...[laughs]...not really. It seems like you guys have a lot of open space on your walls. Is there just a lack of creativity? M: Well we do have Pretty Pretty Princess. How old is she? K: She's from the beginning of the year; we bought her at the K-Mart Halloween sale. She's brought a lot of joy to our room. M: She's not very Pretty Pretty Princess at all. It actually scares me to sleep across from it. What's with the lip gloss [there's one bottle for "virgin" and another for "slut" - the case is unopened, right above Pretty Pretty Princess].? K: My aunt actually got it for me, which is kind of weird. If Kelly was going to open it, which one would she open first? M: I think she'd open slut first. If Meg was going to open it, which one would she open first? K: I'd say the same thing. It seems like you guys are a match made in heaven. Is that cardboard table over there temporary? M: No! That's been here all year, she got that fridge the second week of school and she insists of having it as a table. I really don't like it. K: This table has facilitated gatherings...many a "suarez." How come you haven't put on a tablecloth? M: I want to decorate it in some way because it just looks awful, it's just horrible. K: It adds like a ghetto sheik to the room. M: But there's only like two weeks left of school so there really just no point in doing anything about it now. What's on top of your TV? M: [Laughs and takes a deep breath] OK, so I'm from Tulsa, OK, and there's this University there called Oral Roberts University. Oral Roberts was a televangelist, it's like this really religious, crazy, Christian...anyway, they have like these giant praying hands, and her cousin goes there oddly enough, so she has these hands so we have them on our TV to remind us of...well, we don't really know what.
So do you guys have nicknames for each other? M: ...Well Kelly has this issue with cum stains. K: They're not actually cum stains. M: So one day she had her boyfriend pillow on the floor and this cup of yogurt gets knocked on top of it, so it makes like this white, gross, cum-stain-looking stain. So I start telling everyone it's a cum stain, even though I witnessed the spillage, but it makes for a much better story. So then, stains that are very similar end up on other things. I let her borrow a pair of red pants and now there's like a white stain right here... K: That was whipped cream [that's what they all say]. M: I guess, I wasn't there for that one. And then there was one on her bed. K: That was like glow in the dark paint...from some like frat sorority mixer that we kind of just walked in on [hmmmm...]. Would you say there's a lot of hall-cest? M: We've actually decided that Kelly needs to hook up with a guy in every room in the hall, because she already has with a bunch of them. How many? K: 5 out of 15 [for those keeping score at home, Kelly is batting a solid 0.333 -- those are some major league numbers]. Do you think you can get all 15? K: Well I have 2 weeks, so with school not in the way...although a lot of them were during games like Kings, so I feel like a lot of them don't count. So you're not really sluttier than your roommate? K: No. People just assume things. On that note, Street would like to wish these sweet young ladies the best of luck next year as they will split up, no longer able to rejoice in cum stained stories of sex and debauchery. As we like to say here in the office, you just can't make this shit up. And as some of you like to say to us, you guys try pretty damn hard. Have a good summer.
