Music

Drop Dead Sexy The Whiskey Tango Tavern 14000 Bustleton Avenue Thu, 10 p.m. (215) 671-9234 Originality blows. Communism forever. Those thoughts you have in your head are the worst things I've ever heard! But don't get me started on how I heard them. Since I bet you're a carbon copy of the two-armed, two-legged, eared and eyed person sitting next to you (damn I'm good), you would love to go see a cover band. In fact, I bet you've already seen them, you poser. Be a sheep and follow the herd. Baaaah! RX Bandits Theatre Of Living Arts 334 South Street Fri, 9:00 p.m. $10 (215) 569-9400 http://www.electricfactory.com Wow, seriously, who do these guys think they are? I mean, ska can be a lot of things -- upbeat, dancey, silly, even emotive or aggressive -- but there is one thing modern ska cannot be, and that is taken seriously. I mean honestly, why the hell would anybody want to listen to the political ramblings and philosophical ideas of a ska band? Actually, why would anyone want to listen to ska in general? Ska-punk is possibly the fluffiest form of so-called indie rock. Thus, doing music called "thinking man's ska" is, in all honesty, oxymoronic. Peter Frampton Electric Factory 421 North 7th Street Fri, 8:30 p.m., $25 (215) 336-2000 http://www.electricfactory.com My top five desert island movie list includes High Fidelity. There's this great scene where John Cusack stops at the entrance of a club to ask the bouncer, "Is that Peter-fucking-Frampton?" Once Cusack is inside, he stares in awe at a post-Cosby show Lisa Bonet singing "Baby, I love your way." To answer Johnny's question, yes, this is Peter-fucking-Frampton, and he is here. I can't guarantee he'll push your buttons like Lisa Bonet in a tight shirt, but I can guarantee he'll sing the only song you know of his. Fairweather Chameleon Club 223 N. Water Street Fri, 6:00 p.m., $5.00 (717) 393-7133 http://www.chameleonclub.com Okay, Fairweather -- here's a band I first heard of about four years ago on the recommendations of people who worshiped Poison the Well, Thursday and Saves The Day. On that detail alone I was immediately turned off from ever listening to them. I still don't think I'm missing out on anything. Look at the tagline from their website: "Blending a powerful, atmospheric, indie sound with the angular, percussive ideas of contemporary hardcore." You know what was lacking from that description? MORE UNNECESSARY AND VAGUE ADJECTIVES! I feel like I want to punch this band. This Radiant Boy North Star 2639 W. Poplar Street Fri, 7:30 p.m., $10 (215) 684-0808 http://www.northstarbar.com Man, I can't believe these guys are still around! Every so often I get a flyer that advertises one of their performances, and I always end up saying that exact statement. Honestly, they're not a bad band, but I just can't believe that after playing this silly positive indie punk stuff someone in the band hasn't just said, "Jizzy Krizzy, what am I doing? I'm getting older, most people don't really know us, and other people just think we're some random local band! This vicious cycle of sing-songy choruses needs to end!" Philadelphia Experiment Silk City 439 Spring Garden Street Fri, 10 p.m. (215) 592-8838 http://www.silkcitylounge.com I like this band because when you hear their name, you have to ask yourself, "Is it based on the actual Philadelphia Experiment, or the Stewart Raffill movie?" I hope it's the second, just because time travel movies are the best -- especially Jean Claude Van Damme's seminal masterpiece, Time Cop. In an exclusive interview, music connoisseur some guy explained, "Philadelphia Experiment is dope as hell! It's good music for doin' the old hibbity-dibbity!" I didn't know what those words meant, but I could tell from the way he kept repeatedly pointing at his crotch and winking that something magical was in the air. Oh yeah, some guy from the Roots or something plays drums for them. Cranked up The Balcony at the Troc 1003 Arch Street Sun, 7 p.m. (215) 922-6888 Crank, crank, crank it up. Sounds like a jack-in-the-box to me. But this isn't a circus, fool. It's a rock 'n' roll concert that's got to be better than Insane Clown Posse. Yeah, clowns are weird. On an unrelated note, Josh is selling crank to the highest bidder over at Kappa House. It's the real good stuff, too. High-quality, industry-proven effective crank that's sure to make you think you can fly -- even without your Superman cape. Guster / Sam Roberts Penn's Landing Columbus Boulevard and Spring Garden Street Sat, 8 p.m., $27.50 (215) 336-2000 http://www.ticketmaster.com Everyone on campus loves Guster. "Oh my god! The drummer plays with his hands!" Newsflash: this is nothing new. I don't want to get into a whole debate over the evolution of instrumentation, but "hands" were invented way before "drumsticks." The Native Americans were doing it, the Africans were doing it, the South Americans were doing it. I can bet the Asians were doing it. The guy from Guster did not invent drumming with his hands. On that note, I love Guster. Their unique brand of two acoustic guitars and one drum creates wonderful tunes about love, loss and being adored by college girls across the nation. Not to mention they put on an award-winning live show, filled with humorous chit-chat between songs. So grab your sorority sister and head over to Penn's Landing. Just don't expect to come home with any souvenir drumsticks. STAIND / SEVENDUST Tweeter Center at the Waterfront 1 Harbour Boulevard Camden, N.J. Sat, 8 p.m., $33.50 (856) 365-1300 http://www.ticketmaster.com Two things, specifically two bands. When I think of Aaron Lewis, I think of the Bowling For Soup video for "Girl All the Bad Guys Want" where the BFS singer spends much of his time on a toilet with a man peeing in the background. Perhaps it's because I don't see Aaron Lewis as much of a man. That is damn well near the funniest spoof on n-metal that I've seen. Second, Sevendust is awesome. Lajon will spank that girly man Aaron Lewis onto his Fred Durst's ass-kissing face. I know you ladies love his brooding sensitive style, but in contrast to the nut-crushing Sevendust, Aaron Lewis is just a poor balding man with five o'clock shadow. His band can't even spell what they truly are -- s-t-a-i-n-s, not Staind, sillies! Nada Surf / Ozma / The Tyde The Trocadero 1003 Arch Street Sat, 8 p.m., $12 (215) 922-LIVE http://www.thetroc.com Ah yes, Nada Surf is one of those bands that have stuck around way after they stopped being "Popular." Remember that song from middle school? No, I didn't think you did. All I know is that they shot a video in Bayonne that has nothing to do with surfing. What a bunch of bastards. Also on tour is this band called Ozma, who are supposed to sound a lot like Weezer. Kevin made me mention them, because he is pregnant with their lovechild. And by theirs, I mean mine. Fleetwood Mac Wachovia Center 3601 S. Broad Street Sun, 8 p.m., $37.50-$125.00 (215) 336-3600 http://www.comcast-spectator.com Fleetwood Mac: Isn't there some sort of midget in that group? There are no midgets in the Roman Republic, however, because Caesar had them all euthanized. Apparently, the emperor won't stop thinking about a midget-free tomorrow. And why should he? One day you're walking around, minding your own business, when a gang of homeless midgets steals your scooter. You do your best to fight them off, but they like to bite. I'm telling you, it's a no-win situation. Clem Snide North Star 2639 W. Poplar Street Mon, 7:30 p.m., $12 (215) 684-0808 http://www.northstarbar.com A few problems arise when you choose to name your band Clem Snide. First off, at every press interview, Clem Snide must answer the question, "What's with the name?" Secondly, anyone talking about the band runs the danger of being mistaken for a Star Trek geek. "Yes, I quickly maneuvered the Vulcan death grip on my unsuspecting victim and then pulled a Clem Snide as I walked away." Despite these obstacles, Clem Snide's Eef Barzelay is as talented and underrated as Pedro the Lion's David Bazan. See him, or he'll hit you with the Clem Snide when you least expect it. Small Brown Bike First Unitarian Church 2125 Chestnut Street Mon, 7:30 p.m. $8 (800) 594-TIXX http://www.r5productions.com Small Brown Bike rules -- it's just that simple. Hard-edged and poignant, loud music at it's best. But don't be fooled here, this isn't like that Finch trash you're hearing on the radio. SBB is much fiercer. They're subtly dramatic, gruff, and intelligent, sort of like Ernest Hemingway if he pounded out melodic punk hardcore anthems instead of that whole book thing he did. If you like Hot Water Music, then you probably already like Small Brown Bike. Skid Row Crocodile Rock Cafe 520 W. Hamilton Street Allentown, Pa. Tue, 7:30 p.m., $12 (610) 434-4600 Okay, really now, is anyone reading this article going to see Skid Row? I believe that none of you are, and there's really no reason to go. Instead, I'm going to take this time to talk about the McGriddle sandwich, which I believe to be more important and relevant to music than the 80's hair outfit Skid Row. Wow, that is quite a sandwich. I didn't think McDonald's would ever be able to think of a new breakfast item, but those bastards have done it. Griddle cakes with the sweet taste of syrup baked right in. Delicious. The Boils First Unitarian Church 2125 Chestnut Street Tue, 7:30 p.m., $8 (800) 594-TIXX http://www.r5productions.com Philly's very own street-punk heroes The Boils finally return home from their recent tour in Japan. The Boils are a much-appreciated break (alert: music snob rant coming up) from the throngs of awful poppy emo-punk bands who have invaded the airwaves ever since Dashboard Confessional made it OK for kids with no real investment in indie rock to have a passing concern for it. Know this, Dashboard Confessional fans: The Boils hate you, and so do I. Normally, I'd avoid picking on Dashboard fans because they're the easiest targets in the world, but the spirit just moved me! Denali The Trocadero 1003 Arch Street Wed, 8 p.m., $11.00 (215) 922-LIVE http://www.thetroc.com (The following guide will be given in the form of a Colt 45 ad featuring Billy Dee Williams.) Are you tired of the same old flat and indolent indie rock? Well why not give your poor languished ears a break and enjoy the smooth flavor of Denali. Loungey yet upbeat, entrancing yet vivacious, Denali has got a rich taste that will enliven your senses and leave you breathless. Take it from your ol' pal Billy Dee, Denali will quench even the most powerful of musical thirsts. Denali... gets 'em every time.