David Wander: Trees
Sande Webber Gallery
2018 Locust St.
Thu & Fri, 10 a.m.-4 p.m., Free
(215) 732-8850
www.sandewebstergallery.com
David Wander's landscapes utilize a blurred soft focus to create obfuscated images of rural Pennsylvania. This is not unlike the time I smoked up with a few of my friends at some random graveyard in Amish Country. The wind, coupled with the fetid odor of manure, limited the time we were able to spend outside, but nevertheless this is the level of haziness to expect from Wander's ethereal work. God, I love pot.
Learned Lamas: The Teacher in Tibetan Art
Philadelphia Museum of Art
Benjamin Franklin Pkwy and 26th St.
Through Feb., Tues-Sun, 10 a.m.-5 p.m.; Wed & Fri until 8 p.m.
$10, students $13
(215) 684-7600
www.philamuseum.org/exhibitions/installations/learnedlamas.shtml
Lost Jesus? Haven't had an epiphany since The Return of the King? The Philadelphia Museum of Art is getting in on the Eastern mysticism that this godless blight of a land has been clamoring for. The exhibition is "taking real America by storm!" according to the museum's Resident Beatnik, last seen scuttling off with an empty bottle of V-8 Splash. But leave your Earthly desires at the threshold, lest your impudence be paid back tenfold in bad karma. Old Skelly never did reckon well with numbers, let alone the divine matrices required for calibrating the Scale of Infinite Justice.
Yale vs. Penn
The Palestra
202 S. 32nd Street
Fri, 7 p.m. , $12
(215) 898-6151
pennathletics.ocsn.com/tickets/penn-tickets.html
Why did the chicken cross the basketball court? It heard the ref was blowing fouls! Do you know what brings rats, mice and snakes up out of their hole? Chonkyfire spliced with rich nerds playing basketball. And woo-ha, Penn's got Yale in check like 30 grand in tuition. This week's recipe for rowdiness: drunk and devoted fans bearing witness to a highly anticipated grudge match. A warning to the faint of heart: this scene will be ugly. Uglier than fat camp sex and bra strap fat that you can see from the front. And it's about to get even uglier when you and your girlfriend park your dumpy asses courtside. Biaatch!
Snow Tubing at Ski Roundtop
925 Roundtop Road
Lewisberry, PA 17339
Jan. 29 -- Feb. 28, 12 p.m. -- 10 p.m., $8/hour Mon-Fri, $10/hour Sat-Sun
(717) 432-9631
www.skiroundtop.com
It is my personal dream to shotgun two 40-ouncers and then go snow tubing, preferably while in the nude. Alas, every time I try to realize this goal, someone comes along and arrests me. This is why I have spent the last 12 years of my life in and out of jail. I can say one thing about being locked up in the big house -- there is no snow tubing to be seen anywhere. Instead, it's more like lifting weights to intimidate others and avoid becoming everyone's slut. Point is, take advantage of your freedom and go snow tubing, because it's more fun than performing oral sex.
Suicide Girls Live Burlesque Tour
Trocadero
1003 Arch Street
Wed, 8 p.m., $14
(215) 922-LIVE
www.thetroc.com
Listen, it's not often I get to write about things of an adult nature as the subject matter of a listing, so I am savoring this moment. Suicidegirls.com, the home of hot, naked punk chicks (I shit you not), is sponsoring a burlesque tour, which leads to one question: When should we meet to go? Supposedly it's a seductive, classy burlesque show, which means you can be there and not feel sleazy, continuing your constant state of denial. Enjoy the punkrock breasteses...
Latin Night w/ DJ Cookie
Woody's
202 S. 13th Street
Thursdays, 10 p.m., Free
(215) 545-1893
www.woodysbar.com
I may not be a gay man, but if I were, I'd undoubtedly go to Latin Night with DJ Cookie at Woody's, one of the city's most venerable gay/lesbian establishments. You know what would be twisted, though? If the DJ was actually a giant-sized chocolate chip cookie with hands working the cross-fader. That situation would combine two of my three favorite things -- food and music-- in a brilliant, epic manner that could never be repeated and quite possibly cause the universe to implode upon itself. There would be carnage... lots of carnage.
Beans and Rice Can Sound So Nice
Please Touch Museum
210 N. 21st Street
Sat, 10 a.m., $8.95
(215) 963-0666
www.pleasetouchmuseum.org
If I recall CCD class correctly, the Bible says that man cannot subsist on beans and rice alone. Well, I don't mean to contravene the Good Word, but from my years of childhood iniquities (read: being locked in a cupboard and fed only bowls of moldy beans and rice) I know this is not true. Sure, my horrible malnutrition means that sometimes I collapse under my own weight while I try to plug in my respirator, but nevertheless I am alive. Looks like the score is: Me, 1, Jesus, 0.
Nickel and Dimed
Plays & Players
1714 Delancey Street
Sat, 8 p.m., $30-45
(215) 735-0630
www.phillytheatreco.com
Have you ever wanted to work as a cashier at Walmart? How about as a hotel maid? Is $6/hour your desired salary after graduation? Thankfully, Barbara Ehrenreich decided to take one for the team and "slum it" in America's lowest paying occupations for her undercover-report-turned-bestseller Nickel and Dimed. I don't want to give away the riveting conclusion, but let's face it, surviving on minimum wage is difficult. Luckily, after a year of the hard life, Barbara returned to her beachfront home to transcribe her experiences, enlightening the public about the working class' trials and tribulations.
Philadelphia International Auto Show
Pennsylvania Convention Center
1101 Arch Street
Jan. 31 - Feb. 8, 9 a.m.-5 p.m., $10
(215) 418-4989
www.phillyautoshow.com
Parking their Hondas out front, motor-minded individuals from the metropolitan area will pack themselves into the Convention Center to feast their eager eyes on automobiles they'll never be able to afford. 700 classic, concept and exotic cars are on display, including new models from Bentley, Aston Martin and Lamborghini. On their way home, many visitors are expected to drive off the Walt Whitman Bridge, acutely aware, now more than ever, of the purposelessness of their lives.
Boys Night Out
North Star Bar
2639 Poplar Street
Thu, 7:30 p.m., $10
(215) 684-0808
www.northstarbar.com
NSB is in the middle of fucking nowhere and when you get there it looks like some random punk outhouse and you want to smack your simple friend who dragged you there. But I guess the bands that come are worth it -- one time I saw Junior Senior there and got their autograph, causing me to wish that I too were gay and Danish. Ah, NSB.
AGAINST ME/ANTI-FLAG
The Trocadero
1003 Arch Street
Fri, 6 p.m., $15
(215) 922-LIVE
www.thetroc.com
Against Me may be one of the best punk rock bands currently touring. Folky and aggressive, they have a sense of urgency and sincerity very much absent in modern commodified pop punk. But once they're done, I encourage everyone else to bolt for the door before Anti-Flag takes the stage. Their suckitude is beyond apprehension.
Stephen Lynch
Electric Factory
421 N. 7th Street
Fri, 8:30 p.m., $20
(215) 569-9400
www.electricfactory.com
Stephen Lynch sings twisted mellow comedic songs about hermaphrodites and the retarded, which I find incredibly offensive, as I am both. As a child, they used to taunt me, calling me "Vaginapenis" and throwing doorknobs. "Why?" I cried, "Why?" These nightmarish visions still haunt me, as I often wake up in a cold sweat, shivering, rolling my eyes, wagging my tongue and muttering comically. See Stephen Lynch. He's supposedly really funny or something.
Syzslak
The Khyber
56 S. 2nd Street
Sat, 9 p.m., $8
(215) 238-5888
www.thekhyber.com
Syzslak is a band that plays some of that loud rock and roll you kids seem to listen to. I prefer the classics... some Connie Francis, a little Bing Crosby, maybe. Sometimes your mother and I like to break out the old Victrola, pour a couple glasses of wine, put on some Crosby and then break out the black leather, whips, chains, and nipple clamps. Yeah, your mother sure likes it rough.
THE LOCUST
The Trocadero
1003 Arch Street
Sat, 7 p.m., $13
(215) 922-LIVE
www.thetroc.com
While The Locust's dada-isitic approach to screamy music may send hardcore purists and O.A.R. fans alike begging for headache medication, their live show is a spazalicious riot. Costumes, underwear, and skull-headed battering rams are just a few of the staples of their schizophrenic performances.
NEW MEXICAN DISASTER SQUAD
The Trocadero
1003 Arch St.
Fri, 6 p.m., $13 in advance; $15 at the show
(215) 922-6888
www.thetroc.com
This punk band's name is probably a pejorative reference to the Vincente Fox and the National Action Party taking over in 2000, ending over seventy years of Institutional Revolutionary Party rule. However, I like to think it has to do with the time a few of my friends and I played a practical joke on one of our friends. We drugged him, put a bag over his head and ditched his ass in Mexico. I think he accidentally was shot while trying to cross the border back into America. Either that or the coyotes got him. I don't really know, or care...he was a bad person.
Mushi Mushi
North Star
2639 Poplar Street
Sat, 10 p.m., $15
(215) 684-0808
www.mushimushi.net
It's not a nickname for sea urchin sushi and it's not the Philly branch of a Hong Kong gang. It's much more cheerful than that. Sort of. Self-christened in honor of the Tokyo telephone greeting, Mushi Mushi specializes in pensive underground techno. You can't exactly tap your toes to their nimbus melodies, but at least you can show up looking like sketchy Eurotrash. And yes, the group is British.
PA Muzzle Loader
The Khyber
56 S. 2nd Street
Sat, 9 p.m., $8
(215) 238-5888
www.thekhyber.com
Muzzle loading season is why I used to believe Uncle Jacques-Louis when he said Christmas was in January. Every year we'd strap on the old smokepoles and head out to procure ourselves a fine buck for midwinter satiety. I grew up venerating venison seasoned with black powder, because I knew bitter. My avuncular foster parent only loved his Brown Bess and frequently employed her in my corporal disciplining when he wasn't keeping me locked in the cabin distillery. But I gave him back what-for when I holed him with "mother" and some scattershot.
Piggy and the Pork Rinds
The Khyber
56 S. Second St
Tue, 9 p.m., $10
(215) 238 -5888
www.thekhyber.com
Having spent my adolescence as the token black girl in my Boston private school, I know how to party with crazy white people. I know that Jack Daniels, skateboarding and snow do not make a good combination. And I know police don't like their cruisers being pissed on, even if you really have to go. In sum, my black ass won't be at Khyber to see Piggy and the Pork Rinds. You white folks got problems.
Robert Bradley's Blackwater Surprise
North Star Bar
2639 Poplar St
Tue, 9 p.m., $13
(215) 684-0808
www.northstarbar.com
You know you've grown up on TV when your first memory of band like Robert Bradley's Blackwater Surprise is seeing them on TRL after a Mase performance. They may appear like a bite off of Hootie (black frontman, random "soulful" white band members) but they've got less mainstream appeal coupled with more grit and integrity to their sound.
City Rhythm
Zanzibar Blue
200 S. Broad Street
Wed, 8 p.m., 9:30 p.m., 11 p.m., $15
(215) 732-5200
www.cityrhythm.com
Swing dancing and big band orchestras were once the staples of Bar Mitzvah parties. They motivated a generation of hippies to shut off Mom's car radio, jump out of the still-moving vehicle and smoke up in the nude with their ilk in the woods. But as the progeny of those flower children, we can now use swing as a tool of rebellion. Learn from Philly's best, then bring Benny Goodman and your dancing shoes home for spring break. Take that, John Lennon!
