"Have you ever done it in water?" Tai Fraiser of Clueless has. And if not, here's your chance. Inside West Philadelphia and Center City's fishbowl, tens on tens of vendors and restaurants and stores and zany Penn characters are just waiting to offer you their best -- in water. The Best! In water! Well, not really. But if it were true, well, it doesn't get much better than that.
Fish Food
BEST PITA
The Super-Awesome Nameless Foodcart Next to Magic Carpet
34th and Walnut Street
Let's face it: there hasn't been a good lunch cart trend in ages. Hemo's, Greek Lady, Le Anh, Taco Pal -- these carts have all had their turn as the piece of sidewalk to see and be seen. But where do we go from here? Straight to 34th and Walnut, that's where. There is a no-name cart run by the friendliest Asian couple ever, and they have delicious food, and it's cheap to boot. The crown jewel of this cart is the Chicken Pita. Words can't express how amazing this pita is, and if they could, the words would be so complicated you wouldn't understand.
BEST FIRESIDE ICE CREAM/ COFFEE
Bucks County Coffee Co.
240 Locust Street
(215)386-1832
I know what you're thinking: "Damn I need coffee." Because that's what I'm thinking. And, like you, I don't know where to get it. Wawa? Too impersonal. Cosi? Too expensive. Paris Cafe? Too Comet. Buck's? Too far away. WRONG! Because there is a new Bucks on 40th and Locust. And not only that, they have a fireplace! And ice cream! And coffee! I know, you're thinking, "Sure it has coffee, ice cream and fire, but I need to study." Well have no fear. It isn't loud like Cosi or small like Paris. The Bucks on 40th and Locust is perfect in every way.
BEST HANGOVER CURE
Bui's
38th and Spruce Street
There's something in the magical juices of a sausage, bacon, egg and cheese that immediately dissolve the pounding reminder of last night's debauchery. Don't expect Dr. Bui to solve all your problems and STDs, though -- he's not that kind of a doctor. Do expect Bui to concoct a delicious breakfast sandwich in a matter of minutes. Say hello to the Mrs., and next time she might remember your order. Just don't forget the sal-peppa-ketcha.
BEST RESTAURANT THAT TAKES BURSAR/ PENN CASH
Triangle Diner
3716 Spruce Street
(215)573-4431
Reminiscent of the set of Weezer's "Buddy Holly" video, the Triangle Diner has become a hot-spot for students looking to spend mommy and daddy's money. Although the wait during peak hours can be frustrating, the fact that you swiped your PennCard for a decent meal should be a prize in itself. The restaurant might lack the 24/7 of traditional diners, but it still boasts the varied menu -- everything from chicken fingers to omelettes. So drop some change in the jukebox, grab a hip bar stool and let a milkshake melt away the pressure of exams.
BEST NEW RESTAURANT
Qdoba
2305 S. 40th St.
(215) 222-2887
Most Penn students have probably rolled the Dob at least four or more times since spring break, and the Office of Health Education would be lying if it said otherwise. Some may have smoked the burrito eight or more times. And, the thing is, that's okay. In fact, it's superb. Because Qdoba is more than a restaurant: it's a way of life. Even if you have begun to despise food, if you have essentially forgotten how to chew and swallow, you'll still love Qdoba. It's just that good. It's like June 12th, only you can have it every single day.
BEST MAC N' CHEESE
Fresh Grocer Mac n' Cheese
4001 Walnut St.
(215) 222-9200
Move over Stouffer's. Kraft -- what is Kraft? Shut up with the Kraft. If you want the best Macaroni n' Cheese this side of West Philly, the only place you have to go is the grocery store. Fresh Grocer's very own brand of Mac n' Cheese -- served piping hot -- perfectly complements any breakfast. Yes, I eat it for breakfast.
BEST CHEESESTEAK
Pat's
1237 E. Passyunk Ave.
(215) 468-1546
A cheesesteak is not beautiful, but it is a thing of beauty -- a mass of fat, gloppy and only semi-solid. Ordered right, it is a mix of steak that barely holds together, with a mass of onions cooked just past translucent, topped by yellow-orange Cheez Whiz-brand fake cheese on a bun that will resist sogginess just long enough for the minute or so it should take you to wolf the thing down. Pat's started it. Pat's does it best. And fuck you if you think otherwise.
BEST PIZZA
Pasqually's
200 S. 43rd St.
(215) 387-6100
Nothing beats New York pizza. Nothing in any place other than Chicago -- deep dish bastards! -- even tries to compete. But why bother competing when the playing field is lower than a midget limbo? There are not that many fantastic pizzerias in the Philadelphia area, but if there's one that stands out, it's Pasqually's. It delivers all the frigging time, is cheap and is an excellent cure for late night munchies.
BEST PALLADIUM REPLACEMENT
Abbraccio Restaurant
820 S. 47th St.
(215) 727-8247
For those of you who walk by the space once occupied by The Palladium with a tear in your eye, salvation has come -- sort of. The owners of The Palladium have recently opened up a new Italian restaurant just a few short blocks off-campus on Baltimore. Abbraccio feels more modern, yet still retains the Palladium's homey charm. And best of all, you no longer have to worry about mice scurrying around your feet. While the bar area is unfortunately less prominent than the Palladium's, the food and atmosphere more than compensate. So head on over to Abbraccio, where "the best review we can get is a smile or a hug from you!"
BEST MOJITO
Caf‚ Habana
102 S. 21st St.
(215) 561-2822
If Sex and the City were still around, Carrie would have told us that the Mojito is the new Cosmo. If Sex had filmed an episode in Philadelphia, Carrie would have had her Mojito on a jazz-infused Friday night at Caf‚ Habana. Mint leaves and sugar are crushed in a glass with a spoon. Lime juice, syrup, rum and ice are added and stirred. Top it off with seltzer water and voila! Perfection!
BEST NEW FOOD CART/ OWNER
The Crepewalk
3650 Spruce Street
A recent addition to Spruce Street, Crepewalk has high-quality service to match its high-quality crepes. What can be said of the crepes? The meat, fruit and vegetables are fresh, and the sauces don't leave that tangy/artificial taste in your mouth like some crepe stands. What can be said of the owner? Well, last month he gave me a free bag of cookies because I told him they looked good. Now, that's just plain nice, or as they say in French, nic‚. And the owner isn't nearly as lippy as Chris and Pete over at La Petit Creperie.
Blowing Bubbles
BEST QUIZZO
New Deck Tavern
3408 Sansom St.
(215) 386-4600
It's Monday night, and you're wondering how to combine your two favorite activities? If those happen to be heavy drinking and attempting to answer useless trivia, then New Deck Tavern is the place to be. It features the best Quizzo in the land -- and a drunken "Quizzo guy" to boot. So slip out of your dunce caps and onto their bar stools, because it's gonna be one hell of a Funday-Monday! And no, quizzo is not Sofa Kingdom.
BEST WALK OF SHAME
St. A's to Anywhere
3637 Locust Walk
(215) 898-WALK
Walk out the front door of St A's onto Locust Walk. It's the dead of winter and you're dressed as Cyndi Lauper with a three-inch skirt and eyeliner all over your face. At the Compass, walk straight into a tour. A bunch of 17 year olds mock you openly. From there, go past Huntsman. Classes are letting out, and you run into approximately 50 people you know, who also mock you. Walk through Superblock, where Larry Moses, dragging on a cigarette, shakes his head in disgust. Once home, you realize you've left your wallet at A's. Return and repeat.
BEST PROTEST
GET-UP
OK, fine, the GET-UP strike wasn't terribly effective. Note to union: if you hold a strike and then tell people to ignore it, most likely, people will. But we still have to admire them for their old-fashioned gumption. It takes balls to tell J. Ro off. Trust us. We did it once, and we couldn't sit down for weeks.
BEST GAY MARRIAGE
Tau Epsilon Phi
3805 Walnut Street
"We're no different from any other religion or race. There is a great responsibility that comes with marriage," antiquer Fred Kirkbride said. He added that he and his partner Flint may legally adopt each other as father and son, rather than marrying, so that they would have similar legal rights when traveling. Are we in the Castro? Nope, it's just another gay ol' time at Penn's freer, queer, fab, party-house on 38th and Walnut. Ha, walNUT. Being in frats is hard. And fast. And long. But this place is tops.
Scuba Steve
NICEST STORE OWNER
The Chocolate Guy
3615 Walnut St.
(215) 222-9544
The Chocolate Guy, James Glass, is every ounce as friendly as his chocolate is tasty. Help yourself to a champagne-infused chocolate strawberry, or if you are in the mood for something more substantial, why not sample a chocolate t-bone steak? The Chocolate Guy will assist you in your quest for supple sweetness. Just don't ask him to divulge which chocolate he likes best. As he says, "It's like choosing a favorite child!" And he's way too nice to ever do that.
BEST STREET DIS
Ivanka Trump
My e-mail in-box still throbs from the bitter sting of rejection. Shatt‚ did one, The Chocolate Guy did one ... even BMOC Penn Glee Club President Alex Feldman did one. But it seems Miss Ivanka Trump is just a little too cool for school to condescend to a Street interview. That's fine, but don't blame me when I have to drop out of Penn to cover the hefty bills from hours on the couch with an analyst. Street is never going to recover from this one. You're fired.
BEST GIRL BAND
Makeshift
(Runner Up: Alicia and her Egg)
Move over Shiragirl and make way for the new leaders of Penn's girl-pop revolution. Enter Janna Fuccillo, Jill Goldberg, Sara Heaton and Veronica Jurkiewicz -- four demure divas that wow the crowds as Makeshift. With fresh spins on classics and brilliant performances of originals -- like the heartstring-tugging ballad "New Name" -- the femme-band has secured a place for itself in Penn's girl band hall of fame. But, as its name suggests, Makeshift won't be around forever. So keep an eye out for the group at coffeehouses and open mic nights. Visit makeshifttheband.com to join the revolution before it's too late.
BEST PSEUDO-GREEK ORGANIZATION
Zeta Beta Tau
235 S. 39th Street
Move over, Theos -- there's a new Jewish Renegade Fraternity on the scene. Why is ZBT our favorite? Well, imagine Owls without the ridiculous faux secrecy, Tabard without the eating disorders and Theos without the metrosexual Prada bags. Then subtract the superiority complexes of all three, and you've got the ex-brothers of Zeta Beta Tau. Chins up, guys -- whatever you choose to name yourselves, you'll be the coolest thing to go underground since ... umm ... ever
Little Plastic Castles
BEST CONDEMNED HOUSE
Cross Country House
3939 Chestnut St.
Most unfortunately, the cross-country house caught fire last fall when one of its air-conditioning units somehow ignited in the middle of the night. Luckily, the residents utilized their heightened cross-country senses to escape before the edifice burned down in a blaze of glory. At least they were moved to the lovely University City Sheraton, where they have been able to get lots of practice running away from random strangers who slyly whisper, "I'll be seeing you tonight!"
Runner-Up
Pi Lambda Phi
3914 Spruce Street
This house receives runner-up because it was not technically condemned. Residents have just been asked to move out for their best interests. While many believe this is due to the recent fire, one must wonder if it has ever been in anyone's interest to live on that particular piece of property. When walking down the blue hallways, one can't help but feel overwhelmed by the likely fume combination of smoke, aging asbestos and lead paint that traverses through the hazy air and into the brain. Other specific problems include the weak masonry, as well as termite and water damage. God, what a shithole.
BEST SECOND-HAND SMOKE
Outside Van Pelt Library
3420 Walnut St.
Who can resist a tempting and friendly nicotine stick when there are two midterms to study for, an oral report to be prepared and upwards of 15 scholarly analytical pages to be written within the next 48 hours? Not to mention that pesky language quiz! In the heat of academic battle, the outside of Van Pelt is officially the most popular site to blow off some steam -- literally. Last night, I happed upon a girl who is well on her way to discovering a cure for lung cancer. No wonder she needed a cigarette break.
BEST SIDEWALK
Commerce Bank
38th and Walnut St.
Savings accounts are a pretty wild scene, but Commerce Bank took them to a whole new level this semester with its new spotlight. Guaranteed to blind you while you try to ID that pesky robber, Commerce Bank's red, white and blue light show is the place to walk these days. The lavish display puts Walnut's street lights to shame, and with a little work, Commerce Bank can put together a bitchin' laser show. All that's missing is Pink Floyd.
BEST PLACE FOR A LAST-MINUTE GIFT
Messages Card Shop
3621 Walnut St.
(215) 222-6454
I have a bad memory. Also, I think about myself most of the time, so I never have time to think of others. So when my Dilbert calendar reminds me that today is a "close" friend's birthday, I head to Messages for a quick gift. Cards, scented candles, superhero lunchboxes, artsy film posters -- they have it all. I could spend hours looking for the perfect gift in the bookstore, but Messages' intimate, random selection never fails. Enjoy that banana candle, buddy.
BEST UNIVERSITY IN UNIVERSITY CITY
Drexel University
3141 Chestnut St.
(215) 895-2000
I could name countless reasons why Drexel University is better than any other university in University City, including Penn and the University of the Sciences. For starters, I could mention the time they got Lewis Black to perform on campus. Then, of course, there's their relative proximity to downtown Philadelphia. But there's only one reason that really matters, I think: Drexel's symbol is a kickass dragon instead of some lame old fat guy with glasses.
BEST RACK
POD Coat Rack
3636 Sansom St.
(215) 387-1803
(Runner-up: Amy Gutmann)
Boy was this one a close match. I mean, when I think about all the places I would like to hang my bright blue My Little Pony mackintosh ... well, suffice it to say, resolution doesn't come as easy as you would think. One has incredibly cool, vibrant, fluorescent, neon lights and makes for a really fun time in the bathroom. And the other has incredibly cool and vibrant headlights when you mix in some teriyaki sauce and makes for a really fun time in the bathroom. Did someone order oshinko? I think so.
MOST SOPHISTICATED PLACE ON CAMPUS
Club Wizzards
3801 Chestnut St.
(215) 382-4105
Oh Wizzards, you magical place of mystery -- what secrets do you hold beneath your Chilean exterior? One can only imagine the mischievous elves, fairies and unicycle-riding clowns who juggle fire that reside in your underground world of bliss. One time, my daddy went there and told me he wished he could leave us behind forever to live with the wizards and elves. Then he got in his car and drove away. Dear me, happy sixth birthday.
CORRECTION: This article incorrectly identifies James Glass as the owner of The Chocolate Guy. Glass is the shop's chocolatier and founder. The Chocolate Guy is a corporation of which Glass is not a majority owner.
