Yes, we're drinking champions. Yes, our livers are shriveled but strong. Yet, fellow enthusiasts, we too get hung-over. In a world of lies, deceits and non-alcoholic beers, this may come as a devastating blow: the captains of your booze cruise pray to the porcelain gods as well. We're not saying this happens often. In fact, we pride ourselves on the ability to awake bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, raising a fresh Bloody Mary as we say hello to Sunday. Sometimes though, that morning beverage is our death, and "Sunday morning" sounds like a Mac truck hitting a nitroglycerin plant. Mea Culpa.
But we're resilient. We recover quickly. And quite frankly, you should too. We've helped you buy cheap wine, we've expanded your beer trivia -- now let us provide you with a cure for that last shot of Jager. You've heard of the traditional remedies: water, aspirin, lying naked wondering how you ate the entire pizza. But rules were meant to be broken, and traditions are for the uninspired. So open your mind and put down the bottle as Nickie and Grant tell you how to make the Morning After (slightly) more bearable.
1. Immediately play Coldplay/Counting Crows/Dashboard Confessional. The world's a lonely miserable place, and your penchant for Peppermint Schnapps last night sure as hell didn't help.
2. Clear outgoing call list. Your ex didn't appreciate the call at 3 a.m. Neither did your high school friends, brother, cousin, TA, sister-in-law, mother or the nice lady at 411.
3. Take down away message that reads "Wqsted! Wht a Greast Nighjt!" Nobody likes a braggart.
4. Apologize to housemate for likening his sister to Janet Reno. Explain that Ms. Reno is a strong, independent woman -- and cute as a button.
5. Find sweats and an old Penn shirt, arm eyes with dark sun glasses, attempt to exit domicile.
6. If successful at exiting, crawl four blocks to Bui's. Avoid all eye contact; deny any accusations regarding you and the stage at Smoke's.
7. Order preferred egg sandwich. Nod to "saltpepperketchup."
8. Use change to take taxi home. Instruct driver to avoid potholes and jerky maneuvers while explaining the perils of Long Island Iced Teas.
9. Re-enter domicile. Curse empty bottle of beer/vodka/moonshine sitting on your pillow.
10. Swear to God/Allah/Lindsay Lohan never to drink Sambuca again.