This article appeared in the December 9th joke issue.
While interning at Vivid Video, I happened upon a script featuring one of my good friends in a, ahem, special movie. Because I care about his anonymity, I have changed the names and locations. Be assured that that is the only fictionalization. I expect after Vivid realizes that the script has been leaked, they will have to push production forward. Who knows, maybe I can get a guest appearance -- meeeeoww. Signing off, Street faithful, Bear Jackson. xoxoxo
By Frank Reseda
Int. Living Room
A--us KYntliker sits on the sofa wearing nothing but a gold sequined thong. Used condoms litter the floor, and a single red spotlight shines from the ceiling. Mirrors cover the walls. Kenny G plays continuously on the CD player, and A--us touches himself oh so gently.
Door Knocks, A--us stands and sashays over and opens the door and pulls up the velvet rope. A man wearing a Vivid Video T-shirt with the nipples cut out stands in the doorway.
I have your movie delivery: Indi-anal Jones.
A--us gasps excitedly and fans himself with his free hand as he places his other hand on his member. Video man watches intently, but does not say a word--yet the passion he feels cannot be denied
How much do I owe you?
Six dollars you sexy beast [Makes growling noise].
A--us's nipples perk at the sound of the Video man's beastly growl. But he is far too concerned about the inflated price of his night's entertainment.
Six dollars?! Just for porn?!
Well that's not all you get you big beefcake...
A--us giggles and opens the door wider, revealing the Video man's vehicle--a hatchback with three bumper stickers. One reads "My other car is a big dick. Want a Ride?", a rainbow sticker in the rear windshield, and a sticker reading "I Want Spock's Seed ... on my face."
Touche Video man.
A--us skips into the living room and dives onto the couch, spread eagle.
Go get the whipped cream and give me my special dessert you nasty, nasty man.
Begin slow and sultry music. Video man enters room wearing a whipped-cream bikini.
But I wanted to be the dessert
Shut up, bitch.
Video man reveals a whip.
That's three spankings for you. Bend Over!
Dancers form a circle around the couch, breathing fire as the men embrace. The mirrors fog. Though difficult to penetrate the steam, the silhouette of A--us's throbbing member emerges as his thong bursts at the seams.
Get ready for my delivery.
Make sure you keep it off my feathered rugs. I just had them cleaned. It was crazy!
Video Man giggles and wipes off whipped cream to reveal his