This article appeared in the December 9th joke issue.

While interning at Vivid Video, I happened upon a script featuring one of my good friends in a, ahem, special movie. Because I care about his anonymity, I have changed the names and locations. Be assured that that is the only fictionalization. I expect after Vivid realizes that the script has been leaked, they will have to push production forward. Who knows, maybe I can get a guest appearance -- meeeeoww. Signing off, Street faithful, Bear Jackson. xoxoxo

Special Delivery

By Frank Reseda

Int. Living Room

A--us KYntliker sits on the sofa wearing nothing but a gold sequined thong. Used condoms litter the floor, and a single red spotlight shines from the ceiling. Mirrors cover the walls. Kenny G plays continuously on the CD player, and A--us touches himself oh so gently.

Door Knocks, A--us stands and sashays over and opens the door and pulls up the velvet rope. A man wearing a Vivid Video T-shirt with the nipples cut out stands in the doorway.

A--us

Well hello.

Video Man

I have your movie delivery: Indi-anal Jones.

A--us gasps excitedly and fans himself with his free hand as he places his other hand on his member. Video man watches intently, but does not say a word--yet the passion he feels cannot be denied

A--us

How much do I owe you?

Video Man

Six dollars you sexy beast [Makes growling noise].

A--us's nipples perk at the sound of the Video man's beastly growl. But he is far too concerned about the inflated price of his night's entertainment.

A--us

Six dollars?! Just for porn?!

Video Man

Well that's not all you get you big beefcake...

A--us giggles and opens the door wider, revealing the Video man's vehicle--a hatchback with three bumper stickers. One reads "My other car is a big dick. Want a Ride?", a rainbow sticker in the rear windshield, and a sticker reading "I Want Spock's Seed ... on my face."

A--us

Touche Video man.

A--us skips into the living room and dives onto the couch, spread eagle.

A--us

Go get the whipped cream and give me my special dessert you nasty, nasty man.

Begin slow and sultry music. Video man enters room wearing a whipped-cream bikini.

A--us

But I wanted to be the dessert

Video Man

Shut up, bitch.

Video man reveals a whip.

Video Man

That's three spankings for you. Bend Over!

Dancers form a circle around the couch, breathing fire as the men embrace. The mirrors fog. Though difficult to penetrate the steam, the silhouette of A--us's throbbing member emerges as his thong bursts at the seams.

Video Man

Get ready for my delivery.

A--us

Make sure you keep it off my feathered rugs. I just had them cleaned. It was crazy!

Video Man giggles and wipes off whipped cream to reveal his


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