This article appeared in the December 9th joke issue.
While interning at Vivid Video, I happened upon a script featuring one of my good friends in a, ahem, special movie. Because I care about his anonymity, I have changed the names and locations. Be assured that that is the only fictionalization. I expect after Vivid realizes that the script has been leaked, they will have to push production forward. Who knows, maybe I can get a guest appearance -- meeeeoww. Signing off, Street faithful, Bear Jackson. xoxoxo
Special Delivery
By Frank Reseda
Int. Living Room
A--us KYntliker sits on the sofa wearing nothing but a gold sequined thong. Used condoms litter the floor, and a single red spotlight shines from the ceiling. Mirrors cover the walls. Kenny G plays continuously on the CD player, and A--us touches himself oh so gently.
Door Knocks, A--us stands and sashays over and opens the door and pulls up the velvet rope. A man wearing a Vivid Video T-shirt with the nipples cut out stands in the doorway.
A--us
Well hello.
Video Man
I have your movie delivery: Indi-anal Jones.
A--us gasps excitedly and fans himself with his free hand as he places his other hand on his member. Video man watches intently, but does not say a word--yet the passion he feels cannot be denied
A--us
How much do I owe you?
Video Man
Six dollars you sexy beast [Makes growling noise].
A--us's nipples perk at the sound of the Video man's beastly growl. But he is far too concerned about the inflated price of his night's entertainment.
A--us
Six dollars?! Just for porn?!
Video Man
Well that's not all you get you big beefcake...
A--us giggles and opens the door wider, revealing the Video man's vehicle--a hatchback with three bumper stickers. One reads "My other car is a big dick. Want a Ride?", a rainbow sticker in the rear windshield, and a sticker reading "I Want Spock's Seed ... on my face."
A--us
Touche Video man.
A--us skips into the living room and dives onto the couch, spread eagle.
A--us
Go get the whipped cream and give me my special dessert you nasty, nasty man.
Begin slow and sultry music. Video man enters room wearing a whipped-cream bikini.
A--us
But I wanted to be the dessert
Video Man
Shut up, bitch.
Video man reveals a whip.
Video Man
That's three spankings for you. Bend Over!
Dancers form a circle around the couch, breathing fire as the men embrace. The mirrors fog. Though difficult to penetrate the steam, the silhouette of A--us's throbbing member emerges as his thong bursts at the seams.
Video Man
Get ready for my delivery.
A--us
Make sure you keep it off my feathered rugs. I just had them cleaned. It was crazy!
Video Man giggles and wipes off whipped cream to reveal his
