This article appeared in the December 9th joke issue.
Street decided to put off its annual "Word on the Walk" interview until this last issue of 2004. For the special occasion, we brought in porn star Sandi Crotch to pepper Penn students with questions. We originally were located on Locust Walk, but Wharton professors kicked us out, complaining about "excessive noise pollution" and "erections that lasted longer than the prescribed four hours." So, we went to 40th and Walnut. Here are the results.
Mike Job,
Springfield, IL
Do you prefer guy-on-girl or girl-on-girl, Mike?
I usually like two girls, although there are some times where I just think, "Wow, this is so unnatural." It's usually at those times that I try to get something with a little penis. Not, like, a guy with a tiny penis, but a movie with some penis. You know?
Definitely. Would you do a guy on camera if we paid you?
Is that an offer, or like, a question? I've definitely thought about it. You don't enter Penn's Greek system without thinking, "Gee, could I make a career out of being spanked on the ass?" Speaking of which, we're having a party tomorrow night, around 11. You should definitely come. A lot of my friends, they're big fans.
I'll see what I can do.
Awesome. I'll let them know. Feel free to bring some friends. Please.Gina Winters, Providence, RI
Do you watch a lot of porn, Gina?
No, I don't. In fact, I think it's pretty gross that you're out here asking people about this. Isn't it illegal or something?
If you did watch porn, what do you think you'd like?
I refuse to talk about this. Didn't you guys learn after the Christian issue?
Harmony A. Kessler, Trenton, NJ
Harmony, what do you think of pornography?
I think it's fantabulous! I support the right of anyone to work in the field they want. Absolutely fantabulous, I tell you.
Do you watch much of it yourself?
Sometimes, I guess. There are those times I call my friends, and they say, "Harmony, we're just not doing anything tonight, I swear." There's always loud music, and I don't know how they can study like that, but those things just happen. So, I feel a little lonely and watch a little porn. It's only natural, it really is. The ginormous cocks aren't that natural, but watching them, that definitely is. Absolutely ginormous, I tell you.
What would your porn name be if you could have one?
I sort of like my current name, Harmony A. Kessler. The A is for Awesome. Really, it is. My parents wanted me to be fantastically happy my entire life, so they gave me that name to make sure everyone knew about it. If I couldn't use that, though, for like tremendously phenomenal anonymity reasons, I'd probably go with Cock R. Profundity. The R is for Rock.
Jon Frager,
Philadelphia, PA
What kind of porno would you make if you had the money?
You see, Sandi, I work in The Fresh Grocer right here, and I think that my porno would take good use of that environment.
Really? Have you ever seen my film Cold Cuts & Cock?
No, I can't say I have, but maybe I have something else in mind. I want to see the guy, you know, in the deli and he's got the girl over the slicer. [sticks out hand, thrusts air] You know? You see what I'm saying?
And would your actors be actual employees?
Most definitely, Sandi. I really think I should be involved in this. You know, I film some stuff at home, I got a video camera, I like what I see. All I need is a shot.Jason Shabog, Wantagh, NY
Do you watch much porno with your free time?
No. That stuff is pretty sick. The leather, the whipping, the animals. I can't stand it.
Well, that's pretty extreme. There's some regular stuff, stuff I do. Do you watch any softer stuff?
I told you, I don't watch anything. What is this for anyway? I don't want my mother reading this.
You don't need to worry if you haven't said something wrong. Do you think about your mother a lot?
Of course I do. She's my mom. I told her this great joke the other day, she loved it. Wonder Woman is sprawled naked on a roof and Superman flies by and he's like, "Wow, I've got to do that." So he flies down, penetrates her a few times, and then flies away. Then Invisible Man gets up and goes, "Wow, my ass really hurts."
I think I may have heard that one before.
Do you get it? Invisible Man? On top of Wonder Woman? Superman did him in the ass. Think about it.
What would your porno name be?
Rusty Gonads.
That was pretty quick.
My mother always told me I was quick on my feet.
Eric Douglas, Fort Lauderdale, FL
What's been the weirdest thing you've ever seen in a porno?
Well, there was this one where the chick put peanut butter on the guy's wang. And that was really weird. I was thinking that, who knows, it would have been funny if they put some jelly on some bread. PB&J condom. It would have been one of those quirky things they cover on the Today show.
I don't think they talk much porn on the Today show. Have you seen anything?
No, but that Katie Couric, boy is she hot. I wish there was a way you could trick celebrities into doing porno. Get one of those nuts like Colin Farrell or Mike Tyson and get some dopey celebrities who would be like, "Let's keep it secret." And money could change hands, but they'd tape it. I think this stuff goes on all of the time, we just need to find a way to see those tapes.
That's a pretty interesting idea. Do you talk a lot about porn here about Penn?
Oh, no, I'm just meeting a friend out here. I go to Drexel.
