January, as a month, is decidedly unhip. It's a time to focus on how to make this year better, while constantly being reminded how you fucked up the last one. By now, chances are you've broken that non-smoking resolution. We did by 12:08 a.m. on January 1st. You're lost. You're pathetic. And you've got 12 more months to make things worse. That said, allow us to propose a few helpful hints -- a list of do-able resolutions designed to make your year, well, hip.
Smoke more. Let's face it: here's one that you can keep. And the whole "smoking's not cool" line? Lies. All lies.
Burn the trucker hat, the Uggs, and the rock star shades. Honestly people, we can't make this any clearer. They aren't cool. And quite frankly, they never were.
Forget Anna Karenina and Finnegans Wake. You'll never read them. We've never made it past page 12. Instead, look into Zadie Smith. She's young, hip and British. You don't get much cooler than that.
For travel resolutions, remember: Roadtripping's the new backpacking, South America's the new Europe. And Ibiza? About as cool as women's lib under the Taliban. Mix it up a little. Paris may be the city for romance, but love is quick and fleeting. Check out Buenos Aires, where you can find enough hipness to last a lifetime.
Download some Damien Rice, Belle and Sebastian or Placebo. No room? Get rid of the 3,843 Dave Matthews songs. While we too enjoy concerts fraught with khakis and distressed college baseball caps, it's time to move on. And quickly.
Take down the Animal House "College" poster. You're in college and you drink. Shocker. If you insist on advertising the fact on the walls of your single in Hill, pick up a print of Warhol's After Party. If anything, it's a more accurate depiction of how you'll feel the next morning.
Fuck diets. Atkins, South Beach, macrobiotic -- they're all for bored housewives in flyover states. Instead, try the coconut fried ice cream at Penang in Chinatown. Besides, the bloated look is in. Just ask Kirstie Alley.
Break these rules. Remember, it's always more hip to be detached and aloof than ambitious and dedicated. But for the love of God, adhere to number two. For our sake; we don't want to have to look at you anymore.