Tina Fey. Seth Cohen. Lisa Loeb, Gwen Eudey. Face it: you've got a hard-on for geeks. From the black-rimmed glasses to their witty Friendster profiles, you go nutty for nerds. And like masturbating to bestiality, your dirty little secret causes you more guilt than a Jewish grandmother. But closets are made for clothes, now get over it all ready. Tell the world what kind of loser you really are. So when you're pickin' out that costume for the next Trekkie convention, just remember: lame's the new hip. Now that we have that established, allow us to offer up a few pointers to make you the chicest geek at Van Pelt.

Black Rimmed Glasses. A necessity -- there's just no two ways around it. Don't need em'? Fake it. Just like your orgasms.

Literary Text, preferably carried as an accessory in full view. Ideally, something by a contemporary British novelist, or a disgruntled American. Make sure it's Post-Modern (PoMo) in theme -- a fact which should be dropped freely in conversation.

Dirty Messenger Bag. Not to be used to carry aforementioned text, but rather unread (though hip) periodicals such as The Village Voice.

Vintage Lacoste, Penguin or Le Tigre: We're talking the real deal here, people. If you bought it for over $8.75 at a store whose name begins with "Urban" and ends with "Outfitters," chances are it's just plain lame.

Argyle. Tons of it. Any color, any size, any place. Sound a little bit like your sex life? Ours too.

Skinny build. Thin's the new buff when it comes to geek chic. Leave strenuous activities such as lifting, running and moving for the clueless assholes at Pottruck. The only cardio you should be worrying about is taking deep drags off your Gauloises rouges in between chapters of Camus.

Cuffed Jeans. Perfect for holding calculators, small novels, and all your indie-pop emo douchebag rage.

Expertise. Feigned or otherwise, exhaustive know-how regarding post-impressionist Czech watercolor, neo-classical Samoan literature or pre-'90s Soviet pop is as imperative as banging on the first date. If nothing else, at least buy a Rubik's Cube with those handy removeable stickers.


All comments eligible for publication in Daily Pennsylvanian, Inc. publications.