You don't need to know where St. Tropez is to be hip. I mean, let's face it: it's going to take a lot more than that. You're uncouth, unwashed and uncultured. You couldn't tell Cannes from the crack in your ass, and you think that Biarritz is a Jewish Pastry. Well, dear gringo, it's time to come out from under that red, white and blue rock of yours ... or at least pull some sangria under it.

Now don't take this as an attack; we just don't want you showing up to Red Sky wearing Abercrombie. In fact, we don't want you to own Abercrombie, but let's pick our battles wisely. Like Zen, the only eurotrash you find on the really, really cool mountain is the eurotrash you bring there. And believe us, we're going to give you a lot.

So follow these steps wisely, jeune homme, and we'll add that je ne sais quoi to your Prada-clad step. Allow us to present: how to be eurotrash.

1. Beckham-inspired hairstyle. He does it, you do it. Faux-hawk, ducktail, buzz cut. We don't care, and you shouldn't either. He bagged Posh, you got that girl in Theta. Just some food for thought...

2. Mysterious Accent. Seriously folks, it's like a Cambodian whorehouse: just pick and choose. We don't care if it's German or Italian, or better yet, a mix of the two.

3. Chest hair. Don't got it? Paste some on. Just make sure your shirt's undone to your belly-button. You need something for that Croatian to run her hands through.

4. Oh-My-God-They're-So-Tight-Jeans. Forget camel toes and unsuspecting bulges, you've gotta shake whatch yo mamma gave you as you stroll down the Champs-Elysees.

5. Hermes Scarf. No, not for your head. Skin is key when hitting the discotheques de Barcelona. Wrap it, twist it, use it as handcuffs with that chico from Madrid. Get creative.

6. Readily Available Passport. Nothing screams "cool" like comparing stamps from the Malpensa airport in the basement of Houston. Trust us, we've done it.


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