Frankly, we don't care who you are. Your personality bores us, as does your pathetic attempts at conversation. Face it: it's not who are you, it's what you like. Call us materialistic (don't worry, it won't be the first time), but the label on your carefully distressed t-shirt matters. A lot. Hipsters aren't hip solely because they have a working knowledge of existentialist philosophy. Ennui takes work, dedication and a careful selection of equally troubled brands.

Face it, commercials are the new sitcoms, and billboards are the new newspapers. You cry during car commercials, and that Aflac duck makes you soil your Haines. For better or worse (we'll lean towards the latter), you're a brandster. Obsessed with iPods and Yurman, you've ditched your true self, opting instead for the best version Madison Avenue can create. Awesome.

Puma T-Shirt.

Don't be afraid. Or Adidas. Or Dolce. Just make sure the label is big enough for your grandmother to read when she's standing on the other side of Central Park. Note: As previously mentioned, Abercrombie is not a brand. It's an embarrassment.

Diesel Jeans.

For Successful Living. Careful: this quality denim is not to be confused with the torn threats of the BoHo hipster. The brandster's jeans are sleek and stylish, eliciting countless compliments and questions, preferably "where'd you buy those?"

Adidas Shoes.

Impossible is Nothing. Even when it comes to rectifying your horrendous taste in footwear. If you must, fall back on your Euro-fied Puma kicks, but the more of corporate America you endorse, the better.

Voss Water.

Water for all your senses. This stuff is bottled under the strict supervision of the Norwegian Institute of Water Research. We were impressed too. If nothing else, check out the website. It kept us entertained for hour. No really, it did.


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