"From small town Mathlete to big time Athlete," says the movie poster. Sounds promising, eh?

Ice Princess is only watchable if you bring a punching bag for irritating Joan Cusack moments.

Harriet the Spy's Trachtenberg plays Casey, an unbearable nerd who discovers the physics of figure skating. But after feeling herself up and down in skating coach Tina's (Kim Cattrall) old negligee for five sweaty minutes, she decides to forgo Harvard for the Zamboni boy (and the rink).

Michelle Kwan visibly swallows back vomit when she vows, "Casey is a champ!" Now, Harvard sucks, but the anti-college vibe misleads the audience's little girls and horny little boys who belong at Penn.

Redeeming highlights include Pacey Witter/Seth Cohen-like Zamboni driver Teddy, Casey's love interest, who takes his Zamboni everywhere. In addition, Hadyen Panettiere, the blond youngster of Remember the Titans, returns to Disney as a teenage sexpot and Tina embraces the stoner-worthy motto, "Go into the Bubble."

However, Cattrall and Cusack are the only strong actors and Disney slays any semblance of reality. Teddy and Casey never camp out in the back seat of the Zamboni, fairy-dust noises taint the whole film, and Cattrall, even though she plays a M.I.L.F. and gets into multiple catfights, has never worn so much clothing. Her deep V-necks had shirts under them!


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