Best Drink Specials
The Blarney Stone
3929 Sansom St.
(215) 222-5340
Honestly was there ever any question here? Smokes' has sink or swim ... but so does Blarney. MarBar offers booze to anyone who looks over 12 ... but Blarney has an easily accessible back door. Copa and Goodfellas may have good drink specials, but they're too sketchy to risk, and Mad 4 Mex is just impossible to get into unless you're with your parents. That leaves Blarney. Not only does Blarney have great drink specials, but they have the most drink specials. There's a different special every night, making any night of boozing affordable. That is until you open a tab that you forget to close and are abused by the entire bar. But then no amount of specials can save your dumb drunk ass.
Best Campus Retail Store
Urban Outfitters
110 S. 36th St.
(215) 387-6990
I'm sure you have had the following happen to you: You wander into Urban Outfitters after going to the bookstore and spot the cutest top. The cotton is so soft and the pattern is so hip. The price is ... well who gives a shit, Mom and Dad will pay for it. You excitedly wear it to class next day to impress that hot guy in your history recitation. Turns out, a good 45 percent of the girls in the class are wearing the same top but in different colors. Meh, it's Urban Outfitters -- we're not claiming it's an underground store. It may be mainstream but goddamn, it's good.
Best Brunch
Marathon Grill
200 S. 40th St.
(215) 222-0100
When it comes to sheer crowd-pleasing potential, this sleek spot's the clear winner. Offering everything from pastry baskets to chocolate chip banana pancakes, Marathon's got every brunch staple covered. And unlike many other establishments with such expansive menus, they manage to execute almost everything well. There are also daily specials, often featuring unique twists on old favorites, such as a breakfast sandwich with eggs, ham, brie and pear on a croissant. For those who (seemingly impossibly) can't find anything satisfactory on the menu, the newly-added "Control Freak" menu allows diners to design their own salads, omelets and grilled press sandwiches. So, if you're willing to brave the crowds, Marathon's great for a lazy Sunday morning gorging.
Best BYO
El Azteca II
714 Chestnut St.
(215) 733-0895
BYO as long as it is not smallpox. El Azteca is the best choice for those who may be better defined as "age impaired." Yes, those who are young at heart as well as young on their IDs can go to this Mexican paradise to get their indigenous Indian on like back in the summer of 1469. Montezuma is probably smiling down from his pagan heaven -- seeing as he is, in fact, God -- pleased to know that his once great empire is now synonymous with a place that Penn students go to get crunk-faced. Behold! the wonders of the double-toilet engineered with the same genius as that of the step pyramids. Amaze! at how the margaritas floweth like the gold of the ancient city of Tenochtitl‹¨«n. The best part of this already-best BYO is that unlike their ancestors, the staff of Azteca will not cut out your still beating heart and serve it to you on a platter. No, no, no, they have slightly altered this sacred ritual and replaced human sacrifices with moderately-priced burritos or chimichangas. The servers also treat you with a certain Cortes-ey deserving of an Ivy League student. Your ancestors may have wiped out their entire population, but you still get service with a smile. Ole!
Best Nickname
for the Penn
Mascot
Quaker Shaker
Penn's mascot is a member of an obscure Christian sect. That would be like if a school's sports team was called the Fighting Jews or the Ambiguously Gay Scientologists. But Quakers are indeed amicable folk, so they don't really mind. Back in the 17th century, when William Penn (el Quaker mas grande y rico, as Pennsylvanians like to call him) founded our state, Quakers were the only people who were nice to the Indians and didn't kill them with smallpox-ridden blankets. Quakers really shook things up back then, at least in the ethno-religious tolerance department. So, we salute you, Penn's mascot, and christen you Quaker-Shaker, in honor of your peaceful ways.
Best Worst Place to Get a Cab
41st and Locust
How did 41st and Locust win this category? I live there and can attest that cabs are everywhere at all times. Oh, wait, never mind. I'm confusing cabs with:
a) Obnoxious frat brothers who get drunk at 3 p.m. on a Wednesday and proceed to smash their Lionshead empties on the sidewalk.
b) $750 gas bills (in other news: fuck you, Philadelphia Gas Works).
Perhaps, put into perspective, the utter dearth of taxi action is the least of Beige's irritants. But it's still a pain in me arse having to walk to 40th and Chestnut streets, rolling suitcase in tow, to catch a cab to 30th Street Station (ostensibly a $5 trip except during holidays when drivers price gouge with their damn $10 "flat rates.")
Best Cheap Buffet
New Delhi
4004 Chestnut St.
(215) 386-1941
New Delhi buffet is $11 of all-you-can-eat gloriousness. In addition, it offers the wonderful experience of watching yourself stuff Chicken Tiki Masala down your throat at alarming rates in the mirror. Someone had a bright idea with that one. You know what everyone likes to do? Watch themselves binge eat! Let's put mirrors everywhere to remind people of the damage they are doing to their bodies. I'm not going to lie; the mirrors have stopped me from making that third trip to the buffet more times than I'd like to admit. But mirrors aside, no one can resist New Delhi. Whether you go for the spicy mystery fried food, greasy goodness of Naan, vegetarian dishes, milk balls or the stomach ache and/or diarrhea that follows, you just can't resist the delightful deliciousness of New Delhi.
Best Quad Security Guard
Jamal
The guard who launched a thousand Facebook groups -- or at least a couple ... for now. He's big. He's friendly. And he's achieved celebrity status among Penn freshmen for his thunderous response of "ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT" to pretty much any question you could ask. Jamal spreads mirth wherever he goes, especially to those drunk Quad kids frantically trying to remember their Social Security numbers on Thursday nights. Put it this way: Jamal makes Mahatma Ghandi look like Zed from Pulp Fiction.
Best Easy Class
Sociology 137: Sociology of Media and
Popular Culture
Professor David Grazian, eat your heart out. Your class has been chosen as the Best Easy Class at Penn. And I should know. I took it. Never in school have I seen a class of 400 people simultaneously give the professor the finger. I especially liked the extra credit on our midterm asking us to "Name the original nine members of the Wu-tang Clan." I can see how that information will help me in life. Your words on the sociological context of shopping malls and why cock-fighting is so darn fun(ny) will follow me until the day that I die. I dedicate my Sudoku to you, Prof. Grazian. Congratulations.
Best Food Cart
Hemo's
37th and Spruce
The casual passerby to the University of Pennsylvania notices one glaring, yet unifying, dining option: food carts. These meals-on-wheels range from the depressingly healthy fruit carts to the alarmingly mysterious Chinese food carts (that goes out to you, Real Le Anh). Ask anybody in the know, however, and they'll tell you that Hemo's is the real deal for convenient food on campus. Tender chunks of chicken, mushrooms, peppers and a thin layer of egg, all covered with a loving layer of Hemo sauce. Hemo himself is there day in and day out, Monday through Friday, serving up the best sandwich this side of the Schuylkill with a little bit of Egyptian tenderness. Sure, you could always support the establishment and eat at overpriced dining spots like ABP, but why not stick it to the man and support the only true egalitarian eatery on campus? ‹¨«Viva la Hemo's!
Best Bursar
iPod
Computer Connection
3610 Sansom St.
(215) 898-3102
Cleverly appropriating your parents' funds has never been easier. A bottle of water at Mark's Cafe, gummy bears at Houston Hall and of course, an iPod at Computer Connection. Just as dog owners often resemble their pets, some might say the iPod evokes a stereotypical Penn girl: expensive, white and constantly shrinking in size. However, unlike (or perhaps exactly like) the Penn female population, the iPod's evolution into the waifiest of objects around only makes it more desirable. Despite a harrowing experiment involving a screenless Shuffle, the iPod is still the best item to pretend is a textbook and shamelessly spend your parents' money purchasing. Plus, if you put some Mozart on there, it totally counts as part of your education.
Best Obnoxious
Accessory
Oversized bug
sunglasses
Dear Penn Females,
How's it going? I don't know if you've looked around lately, but this is Philadelphia, not Hollywood, and you're an ugly Theta, not a supermodel. So please do us all a favor and take those ginormous sunglasses off your orange, spray-tanned face. All you accomplish by wearing those things is letting everyone know that a) image is more important to you than substance; b) you're definitely carrying a pack of cigarettes, because let's face it, the only thing cooler than those sunglasses is smoking, and c) that you desperately want to look like that fly from Chip 'N Dale: Rescue Rangers. So ladies, wipe the coke off your nose and please remove those god-awful space goggles before someone mistakes you for a giant insect homeless person and tries to spray Raid in your face.
Best Margarita
Mad 4 Mex
3401 Walnut St.
(215) 382-2221
Nothing on campus comes close to the "Big Azz" 22-ouncer at Mad 4 Mex, especially when it's only six bucks between 10 p.m. and midnight. Underclassmen have to pay their dues, suffering through the watered-down crap at Copa until they can get into Mad 4, notorious for being a hard Azz on IDs. It's worth the wait -- the margs pack a punch, in addition to being quite delicious, in flavors ranging from traditional lime and strawberry to more exotic kiwi and mango.
Best Campus Art
The Button
Outside Van Pelt Library
Ah, the button. The modern artistic beauty. The site of an important piece of Penn folklore. The location of covert sexual encounters. But all joking aside, the sculpture is probably one of the most interesting pieces we've got on campus. Designed in 1981 by Claes Oldenburg, the piece was inspired by the nearby sculpture of Ben Franklin that was missing a button. As we (and the tour guides) all know, Oldenburg imagined that the button had popped off Franklin's vest after a hearty meal. Although the button is "broken," it still serves its many purposes to the Philadelphia community as a playground for young children, as a meeting spot for Penn students and, of course, as a place to fool around before you graduate.
Best Salad
Gia Pronto
3736 Spruce Street
(215) 222-7713
If you, like many Penn students, are going to make the ultimate sacrifice and subsist entirely on salad, Gia Pronto is really the only choice. An organic haven in Penn's nutritional wasteland, Gia Pronto offers diners the ability to choose from a wide range of options -- none of which have the "just came out of the refrigerator" taste of Saladworks and Greek Lady. Unlike Marathon, where the Control Freak menu makes us anal-retentive folks feel ostracized, Gia Pronto offers only custom-made salads, with fresh ingredients including everything from grapes and raisins to Portobello mushrooms and balsamic free range chicken. Gia Pronto -- because let's face it, who really wants to eat nothing but leaves?
Best Place to Have an Awkward Encounter with the Guy or Girl You Hooked Up With When You Were Really Drunk
High Rise Elevators
Taking the elevator gets you high, but nothing brings you down quicker than running into last night's mistake. Of course, the best thing to do in awkward situations is to run away, but try doing that when you are halfway between the 16th and 17th floors of High Rise North. Once those doors close the only option left is to embrace the awkwardness. The important thing to remember is that things could be worse. After all, someone could have photographed your hookup through a window and the image could have run on the front page of a widely-circulated newspaper.
Best Burrito
Qdoba
230 S. 40th St.
(215) 222-2887
By no means Penn's most modest burrito, Qdoba outweighs its fierce competition -- Taco Pal, Mexicali and Moravian's new Taco Bell -- if not by its delightful flavor, then by its sheer strength of force. Urban legend has it that if you wait more than five minutes to remove a Qdoba burrito from its paper bag, it will erupt right out of the bottom. Seriously, with Penn's fierce body image culture, its plenitude of saladeries and ever-bustling gymnasium, one can scarcely wonder that students crave this divinely tasty gastronomical indulgence. After all, what's in a burrito, if not 12-plus pounds of steak, cheese, chicken, veggies, sour cream, salsa, meat, steak, beef, more cheese, guacamole, steak, more cheese, some more meat and buttery tortilla goodness?
Best Coffee
Starbucks
3401 Walnut St.
(215) 387-1914
My housemate Greg found his mocha crush at Starbucks, and I'm not talking coffee ... See, the great thing about the ubiquitous green monster is that it's so much more than just a coffee bar: it's anyone's social safe space. Forget Van Party and head across the street to the friendly barista den, and nurse your caffeine fix with some espresso or Tazo tea. Why not hang out for an hour or five when you have The New York Times, ample electrical outlets, free wireless Internet and seriously good munchies. Starbucks = Snack Attack for real! The new chocolate cupcakes are not only aesthetically pleasing (see the delicately-maneuvered icing shavings atop the cake), but they are also f-ing delightful. Silver medal goes to the chocolate chunk cookies. The best part? If you make nice like Greg, you could get some drink tickets gratis and your very own Venti, extra-hot Mocha (crush please)!
Best "Fine" Dining
Pod
3636 Sansom St.
(215) 387-1803
Familiarity may breed contempt, but swanky local hangout Pod is still the upscale favorite, a little piece of the future right now in the present. Mr. Starr's contribution to West Philly brings together a veritable cornucopia of professors, grad students, sorority girls, hipsters and the displaced New York City crowd. From the "liquid remedies" list to the sushi bar to nausea-inducing lighted pods, this posh-ish spot has an uncanny knack for turning any night into a special occasion (and by special, we mean drunken), all in the convenience and ease of the 'hood. Thanks Pod, for bringing the snobby, the affluent and the festive together, one happy hour at a time.
Best Worst Excuse for Exercise
Razor scooter
There are many different approaches to staying in shape. Unfortunately, a razor scooter workout is not one of them. Do you see razor scooters at the gym? No. Does any exercise equipment resemble and or reenact the motion of a razor scooter? No. The only people that should be on a Razor scooter are 11-year-old girls with pigtails and speech impediments. However, if you are going to Razor, try to Razor with safety and style in mind. Think helmet, pads, spandex and maybe some bright-colored goggles. The goggles are to keep bugs out of your eyes when you hit those top speeds, and the spandex will show off how cut the leg you scoot with has become while your other leg atrophies. Next time you suit up to scoot, scoot on over to the gym.
Best Pizza
Stolen
Everyone knows that the best things in life are free: laughter, sunshine, smiles, stalking, etc. Last time I checked stolen things are free. College students have a lot of different options when it comes to pizza. So how does one determine what makes a slice superior? Here at Street, we say danger is delicious. You may pay your debt to society later, but sticking it to the (pizza) man makes that ooey, gooey, cheesy slice of pizza that much more perfect. You can steal pizza in a variety of ways. You could snaggle a slice at an office party or group meeting (note: you cannot belong to the office or club), steal the pre-paid pizza your friend and/or a perfect stranger ordered, or order pizza at Fresh Grocer and eat it while you cruise the aisles. Either way you "slice" it they're all equally delicious, dangerous and the best kind of pizza one can find on Penn's campus.
Best Worst Penn Institution
Rosengarten Reserve Desk
Isn't it a little ironic that the part of the library designed to make sure I always have the materials I need for my class manages to make sure I can't get shit done? You might think taking out a film should be a matter of moments -- but no, a 10-minute interrogation is required. Here's a personal favorite. Me: "Here's the call number. I wrote it out perfectly with one of those midget pencils!" Reserve desk person, after a long search: "What's the name of the movie?" ... How many films could possibly have the same 17-digit ID number? Didn't that Dewey guy spend his whole life organizing libraries so you didn't have to ask me that question? And let's not even bother with headphones or free TVs, because inevitably there are none of either. Perhaps I could stare at my hand for two hours instead ... or would that also involve me walking through that comically-oversized gate?
Best Place to Acceptably Ogle in Public
American Apparel
Walking up Walnut Street is a pretty boring stroll-the
scaffolding-stricken Inn at Penn, a Vera Bradley visual overload at Messages-until you hit Amerian Apparel and get hit square in the face by crotch. Image after image of girls in their underwear, spreading their legs right at eye level-you can't help but look. Sure, you can pretend you're reading their "biographies," or trying to get style tips, but c'mon: in the end it's just another excuse for some skin. As if Penn girls' skirts didn't leave little enough to the imagination.
