Alternative Career Choices to ocr
Dog Control Specialist
Description: Drive around in lame minivan with cages, park hapharzardly and burst forth from sliding door to chase rabid hounds with a glorified butterfly net, tackle Lassie, take him downtown, wait until he's not adopted and then taunt him with the movie All Dogs Go to Heaven. Go home, warm up TV dinner, weep poetically.
Job Security: High, unless Bob Barker's life quest is realized.
Upward Mobility: Those who show prowess with dogs move on to wolves, and then crocodiles. And then they die three weeks ago.
Perks: Bitches
Nickname: Puppy Killer
What Career Services says: Dog control may not be intellectually demanding work, but it's rewarding. Dog control specialization requires athleticism and advanced detective work (you must think like the dog). Ideal candidates are fully vaccinated, allergy-free, and can't answer the question, "Who let the dogs out?" Dog lovers need not apply.
Outlet Mall Santa/
Easter Bunny/D-Day Davy
Description: If you're interested in sweating profusely inside of an embarrassingly oversized costume (that gives joy to millions of children and propagates Western imperialism) in a joyless consumer factory that continually smells like cucumber-melon and obesity, this job's for you!!!!!!!!!!! As a bonus, little boys sit on your lap and tell you their deepest desires.
Job Security: Seasonal with candy
Upward Mobility: No, it's only down from here
Perks: Boning Santa's Elves/Resurected Jesi/Hitler Youth
More About D-Day Davy: On June 6, D-Day Davy shares with children the horrors of war and the ravages of old age. Children are rewarded for their subdued and fearful patience with depressing commentary on the state of youth and the emerging communist and minority threats. D-Day Davy walked to school two miles up hill in a snowstorm. He is a dirty racist.
Desired Majors: History, theology, folklore studies
Boom mike operator for a studio audience infomercial
Description: Operate the boom mike...in front of a live studio audience! Don't talk/break wind.
Job Security: A retarded monkey could do this job. You'd better not get fired.
Upward Mobility: Only for the boom mike itself. Literally.
Perks: Listening to an excitable British guy say, "I don't believe it,
Mary! The carrots were steamed to perfection in just 6 minutes!"
Dangers: Being sliced/diced/flambeed/pureed/mashed/dashed/fried/dried/frozen/chosen/resliced/rediced/peeled/congealed/washed/tossed/baked/shaked/sauteed/fileted/broiled/boiled/toasted and/or roasted simultaneous by the same convenient tool for only three easy installments of $29.99!
Summary: The fierce hierarchy of production sets is as follows: International
porn, Americana porn, Hollywood, Network television, Hollywood porn, the BBC, Europe and South East Asia, cable television, Dollywood, local television, Dollywood porn, Poor countries, Infomercial featuring washed-up star, infomercial featuring infomercial star, and finally studio audience infomercial. You're scraping the bottom of the barrel, Mr. Boom Mike Operator.
Apocalyptic street
corner billboard guy
Description: Stand on street corners and preach the fiery destruction of mankind due to our corruption and sin while giving out lollipops.
Job Security: None of us are secure as long as we indulge our moral degradation and hasten the end apacolypse. Plus the world's coming to an end, you dummy.
Upward Mobility: Already on top of the street-corner-preacher food chain. In your face, neo-Nazis, Jesus freaks, tree huggers, Jews for Jesus, Jehovah's Witnesses, people that try to get you to save the children, and assorted local crazies.
Added Bonus: You'll get to say, "I told you so!" when the Sun explodes and swallows the Earth like 5 billion years from now.
What Career Services Says: What they always fuckin' say: "We are here for YOU.
Let's work on a cover letter for [PERSON A]'s interest." (Smile and Nod).
Summary: This job demands the highest physical endurance, spiritual purity, supernatural willingness to make a total jackass out of yourself, and scare kids. From the invention of the printing press to the rise of the computer, the widespread use of books and pamphlets, the ubiquitous use of posters, the use of phones, television and radio--ever since all these things there's never been a more innovative and effective way of reaching the masses than by strapping a poorly written mini-billboard to your body (front and back!) and making people feel embarrassed to belong to your species.
