I go to Columbia, and you don't. In fact, if you're reading this, you probably go to UPenn. You poor bastard.
The problem isn't just that UPenn (and I know you guys don't call it that, but everyone else in the world does, so get used to it) is bad. The problem is that Benjamin Franklin was better at shitting than at founding universities.
If UPenn were a toilet, it would flush backward, creating a geyser of poop. If UPenn were a person, it would have syphilis and butt cancer. And be fat.
We all know the history of the ancient Columbia-UPenn rivalry. It goes back to July 4, 1776, when Johnny Columbia stopped Adolf von HitlerUPenn from masturbating all over the Declaration of Independence. As a punishment for Adolf's attempt to masturbate on liberty - something Wharton grads still do today - George Washington put a curse on Ben's university, which is why to this day nobody knows the difference between UPenn and Penn State.
It was downhill from there. In an attempt to give the University a Princeton-esque aristocracy, UPenn officials decided that they would only admit students who were planning on marrying their cousins. When combined with the University's vigorous promotion of legacy admission, the result was a student body composed almost entirely of terrifying genetic freaks. And not the Rick James kind, either.
All of this masturbating and inbreeding has been leading to one thing - this Saturday, or Friday, or Sunday, or whenever the eff the game is, when Columbia will challenge the UPenn mutants to a match of el footballo diabolo robitco, or, as the Native Americans call it, "maize." Personally, I don't give a shit. I live in Manhattan, so I have better things to do with my time.
UPenn does have its assets. For instance, recent studies have shown that well over 100% of UPenn students have been rejected from Princeton (which US News has always ranked higher than UPenn - where's your messiah now?). This means you were all at least smart enough to fill out an application! Those suckers can be rough.
Then there's Philadelphia. I read 34th Street every week, so I know all about "Ill"adelphia's thriving cultural scene. There's Ed's Buffalo Wings & Pizza, for one. And then there's. um. you have a McDonalds, right? That must be nice.
I will grant Jim one point: "It's not like we're splitting the atom here." Unless by "here" you mean Columbia, where we did split the atom in the 1940s. That's why they call it the Manhattan Project.
