The Always Challenge the Professor-er
This type can be spotted from a mile away. You know, the kid who is always shaking his head and raising his hand with an indignant smirk in the middle of the professor's sentence. Don't you just wish you could leave your Ph.D.-expert-just-wrote-
a-prize-winning-
book-and-does-this-for-a-living professor's class and attend your cohort's own seminar on audacity? Someone should let this kid know that 'Office hours' does not refer to 100 students in the same room listening to a professor. One has to wonder why this kid goes to college at all because we know it couldn't possibly be to connect with members of the opposite sex.
The Constructive Criticizer
This kid is pretty similar to the 'always-challenging the professor-er" except that this one actually cares about grades and not making a complete ass out of him or herself. Be cautious around this creature as it will often quietly lay in wait until you make that dumb, vague remark and then alas! It will strike with the stealth of a snake! You already feel uneasy about your comment and then your collegue comforts you by saying, "Wow, that's an interesting point" or "I never thought of that before." Now comes the killing blow, the infamous, "BUT I would say" or "HOWEVER, what if one looked at it THIS way?" Don't even try to respond because you'll just look like a dick. Meanwhile the professor will heap accolades and medals of distinction upon your collegue who has not only "acknowledged" your point but also "GONE BEYOND" your simple, stupid, end-mid-sentence-get-out-of-the-classroom-I'm-falling-asleep-AHHHH comment.
The Auditor
Ah, the Auditor. The only octegenarian in the class. While some are undeniably cool, the majority are obese, deaf, dumb and blind retirees sitting in the front of the classroom permeating noxious odors of menthol, Polident and saggy balls around the auditorium. They answer to Mildred and Melvin and prattle on about their time share in "Flaaarida" and how you remind them of their grandkids. However, the educational exchange between auditors and undergraduates is invaluable because every Monday, Wednesday and Friday they teach us that Peter Pan was onto to something. Ageism for life!
The Always Later
Dear Students of Penn,
Let's cut the Always Later some slack. Maybe he wanted to get a sandwich before class and the line at Hemo's was a little longer than he anticipated. Maybe he ran into some of his buddies outside the library and wanted to pause for a brief laugh and chat. Or maybe he's high and felt like walking slowly. Bottom line: turn those hateful glares into compassionate smiles because you never know who that late kid might be.*
Thanks,
Jonah Platt
*It's me.
The Human Bobbleheader
Human Bobbleheaders come in many varieties, all of them chauncey-ish. First, you have the Suck-Up, who nods rhythmically while smiling/laughing to demonstrate a powerful appreciation of the professor's semi-interesting/-amusing/-coherent babblings. Next is the Show-Off, who nods vigorously with a stern expression to show that he/she, too, understood whatever asinine point in the assignment the professor is currently illuminating. Finally, there's the Shot-Down, who nods gently, almost apologetically to convey that he/she accepts the professor's longwinded explanation for why his/her response was completely and irreversibly wrong. All three should consider genital mutilation.
The Life Story-er
So a blind tribesman once saved your father from a ravenous wild donkey and your grandma was a Chilean political prisoner under Pinochet and you were born without earwax. Great. Whichever traumatic event in your life compels you to share it with the world becomes our trauma, and that's a tragedy. Last time you told us about your tio's heroic prositution fundraiser to pay for your hermanita's crippling spine disease, my seminar went a half hour overtime. So eff you. I could have gotten a latte, wallowed in self-pity or played checkers; I want that half hour of my life back. Nobody cares about your pain and your hermanita told me that you're a "puta," whatever that is. Probably something anti-Semetic.
