The Self-Book Assigner:
"Welcome to Obscure Seminar 101: An Introduction to Knowledge You Don't Need. The books for the course - well written, I might add - are at the bookstore or on my personal website, www.buymybooks.com/worshipme." Self-Book Assigners are the worst! We have to listen to them lecture for three hours every week and then read about their brilliance in the third person. Here's one exerpt from an Assigner: "Due to Professor X's groundbreaking work (It's me! I got published! Cookies and rainbow kisses for everyone) the oblong trapezoid circuses of Western Russian migrants were able to democratize Afghan pilgrims." Professors, please, can we at least get autographed copies?
Dr. Sexually Ambiguous
My issue with androgynous professors does not come from homophobia or uncertainty of my own sexuality, but from the effects on my grades. How am I supposed to flirt with a professor with an undefined sexuality? Will he or she accept my gift of a sensual, nubile body pulsing with fuck-energy in exchange for an extension on that paper? Bisexual, heterosexual, I don't care. Stop screwing with the grading system.
The Bad Marriage Sharer
Your marriage is a sham. Either he spends too much time "fishing" with his ol' ranching buddy or she's a power-hungry she-whore who keeps your testicles in a jar. Or you can't get it up and she won't go down, whatever. The point is, none of this has anything to do with Intro to Your Lame Field. At first it's amusing, but once you start using it to flirt with us ("You know, my wife's on a trip to Whoreland") or as a replacement for therapy ("Am I still sexy? I feel bloated"), you've crossed that line between comically uncomfortable and painfully awkward. Our advice: get the divorce or poison the bitch/bastard.
