In honor of the installment of a new UN Secretary General, Ban Ki-moon, I would like to express some of my grievances on certain individuals who have performed heinous crimes upon the innocent.
1) Thomas Cruise upon Kate Holmes/The Entire World
Despite the hype, I hold steadfast to the accusation that Tom Cruise is keeping Katie Holmes locked in a cage in the Scientology observatory in his mansion. You know the only reason she was smiling when he brought her down onto the stage during Oprah was because she had a fleeting feeling of freedom after he unlocked her mobile cage in the green room via remote control. I could read it in her eyes; she was saying, "Please, viewer, don't make me sleep with this hobbit anymore." As an addendum to the main crime, I also would like to highlight the pain Tom has inflicted on the world by dragging one "Suri Cruise" into the matter. Firstly, he has forced Katie into non-consensual sex with an Asian man to yield that offspring. Spitting image of Tom? Sure... if Tom played a Vietnam vet in "Born on the Fourth of July." Secondly, she could actually be the Rosemary's Baby equivalent of Scientology, like the Second Coming of L. Ron Hubbard.
2) Amy Gutmann's Collarbones upon Penn's Campus
Her frail nature is as offensive as the homeless men outside Wawa. Seriously, she's starting to resemble a child of Darfur. but paler. and blonder. I mean, I have a walk-in closet now, but come springtime sales I might have to rely on her cavernous neck space to hang some of my winter items. Out of the goodness of my heart, I am at this moment signing her up for Campusfood.com and Eatnow.com (pennprez@sas.upenn.edu) and am ordering everything on the menu from Lee's Hoagie House. I think if we all pitch in, girl will have some humps come Fling-time.
3) The KHAN Hot Dog Man upon Myself
Seriously dude, do not gaze creepily at me and ask me if I "want a taste of your juicy hot dog." I'm Kosher. I find it very offensive that you even would think of offering me unblessed meats. Jesus.
