Dear Penn "Athletes",
What do Penn sports teams, enlightened despot George W. Bush, and Britney "Vag Shot" Spears all have in common? That's right: thay all have unjustifiably large senses of accomplishment. Worse still, countless Penn sports participants (the word "athlete" should be used sparingly in this description) strut around campus like they own the place. When you attend an undergraduate sports factory such as USC, this type of behavior may be socially acceptable, because you do, in fact, own the place. However, when you're at an Ivy League institution and you witness a professional athlete rise from your ranks only every decade or so, I think it would be smart to cut back on the cockiness. These guys have no right to be pushing freshman out of their lame parties, let alone off porches. Undoubtedly, the best possible encounters with Penn athletes occur on the Walk. These semi-muscle bound not-so-tough guys think they're in high school, parading in their hoodies with their entourage of girls (girl athletes, may I add). The nostalgia for the high school halls is probably compounded by the fact that they haven't learned anything since. This isn't Miami, meatheads. Seeing you prance down Locust simply reinforces the notion that Helen Keller could find better looking women to serve as short-term escorts. Before our sports teams' egos inflate to the size of John Madden's overstuffed belly this spring, it's important to keep in mind the social commentary from Philly's former sporting hero Allen Iverson: "We talkin' bout Ivy League sports; not real sports, not real sports, but Ivy League sports."
xoxo, Sports Fan
