Fighting crime on Penn's campus is a difficult job. But there are many unsung guardians of the corner, those whose valiant job is to work sundown to sunrise, protecting our most valuable asset - the future leaders of tomorrow. Here, we take a compelling look into the typical day of our men in navy (or sometimes yellow) as they guard the least dangerous West Philadelphians during the graveyard shift:
4 p.m.: Wake up. Prepare for long day of crime fighting. Drink four raw eggs and put on long johns. Realize they chafe. Take them off. Shave head. Pack flask. 5 p.m.: Arrive on location at Huntsman front desk. Spot possible English major. Refuse him entry. Send him to Green Line / Kelly Writer's House. Crime averted. Finish sudoku. 7:30 p.m.: Relocate to outside of Fresh Grocer on bike. Stretch. Remount bike. Ride in circles. Pop wheelie. Envision crossing the finish line in view of the Champs Elys‚es. Think to myself, "I do Live Strong." Fantastique. 9:00 p.m.: Meet up with guards outside Qdoba. Make bets on how many 898-WALK calls will result in delicious love. Receive call on the walkie-talkie about ruckus at the SAM frat house. Laugh incredulously, "that's gotta be a joke." Crime averted. 11:00 p.m.: Grab a bite at Allegro's. See pre-pubescent boy buy obscure beer. Clink 40s. Cheers to safety. 1:30 a.m.: See group of students at 40th and Pine. Debate merits of fee for service versus managed health care plans. Consider sending policy proposal to Governor Rendell. Proposal addendum- pimp this bike! 3 a.m.: Move to Quad. Spot freshman girl attempting to sign in upperclassman from inside glass palace. Divert him by saying his Beemer is being towed. Personally escort girl to Riepe single. Crime averted. Successfully. Very successfully. 5 a.m.: Spot freshman boy attempting to sign in Wharton professor Gwen Eudey. High fives all around. No crime to speak of. Job done.
