Dear whale sympathists,
Free Willy?
More like skin Willy!
The Whale and Dolphin Conservation Society allows people to adopt real whales. I say adopt a whale.then take its life. Just imagine: you're swimming along in the open ocean and a 125 foot long, 400,000 pound beast swims "gracefully" below you (read: "I just shat myself"). Even Wikipedia claims that blue whales eat "mostly" krill - well, that's a gamble I'm not willing to take. They also say that these overgrown wastes of space live somewhere between 40 and 80 years. How can we sit back and let these fiends of the deep wade in our waters for an expected half a century, terrifying our very souls?
Since I was three, one thing has permeated my nightmares: the giant blue whale suspended from the ceiling in the Milstein Hall of Ocean Life at the Museum of Natural History. Bathed in ambient blue light, this horror stares down at visitors maliciously bearing its baleen. I visit this monstrosity periodically to make sure it hasn't escaped. Nothing to fear, yet. It's still there, plotting terrible deeds. It isn't hiding behind College Hall or in the pool at Pottruck. But, Christ! What if it was?
All I am saying is that I don't see any reason to keep these bastards alive. It's not like we need them to keep the krill population in check. Who honestly gives a shit about krill? I call for a return of whaling. We can use their blubber and whale oil for this energy crisis people keep yapping about. And cosmetics, and lamps, and eskimos and stuff. Moby Dick was a classic for a reason: people want to see those evil motherfuckin' whales hunted and slain.
Yours,
"The Harpoone"
