Dear Mr. Squirrel:
My cat went to sleep and never woke up. Is she in Kitty Heaven? -Susie, 7, Iowa
Dear Susie:
Let me tell you something about pussy: it never lasts long. Yeah, sure, you feel like you're in heaven for a little while. But you know what? You're better off without it. The older it gets, the worse it smells. And the hair is all over the place, blech. You don't want it. RIP, kitty.
Love, Mr. Squirrel
Dear Mr. Squirrel:
My mom says that eating too many doughnuts is bad for you. Is that true? -Tommy, 5, St. Louis
Dear Tommy:
Listen, Tubby, you got bigger problems than your size 10 Osh Kosh B'Gosh overalls. Let me tell you a little bit about your mother. That bulimic whore is the one who needs to keep things out of her mouth. And by things, I mean COCK. You may be a size "husky," but your mom likes it doggy style, if you know what I mean (From behind).
Love, Mr. Squirell
Dear Mr. Squirrel:
My sister rides a shorter bus than I do. Why did God do this to our family? -Chelsea, 11, Nashville
Dear Chelsea:
You're lucky you're learning this early: life's not fair. I mean, sometimes it leaves you with lost nuts, a case of tuberculosis and a watery left eye. And when your family won't lend you money and you have to work for a children's magazine and be HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY all the time when all you want to do is shoot yourself in the head or the arm with every fucking letter from nimwit kids who can't look on Wikipedia to see why their retard sibling rides the goddamn short bus. If you were here, I would masturbate on you. Or at least put my dick on your shoulder. Best of luck!
Love, Mr. Squirell
