This week we are writing about the best. You may ask yourself, what does it take to be number one (because two is not a winner and three no one remembers)? Or is it two that is the best and three with the hairy, hairy chest? Well, all these questions - your burning concerns - will be answered in the next 32 pages.
Your votes for best of Penn have been painstakingly counted by our devoted editors - all Chads were hanged in the process . I mean, we killed them - and will be posted online! ONLINE! On lines outside and in, but easily assessable on 34st.com (the internet).
That said, this issue is about winners. If you are in this issue, you are most likely a winner. If you are reading this, you are also most likely a winner. But just in case you do not know whether you are a winner or a loser, please take the following test:
1. Lift up your hand and inspect your palm, stretch your pinky finger as far away from your thumb as possible. Now, place your hand on your face. If your hand is actually larger than your face.
Aha! And the metaphorical hand of Street has now slapped you in the face. ZING! You have been tricked! Did you get slapped? If your answer is yes, then I recommend that you study this issue carefully. Memorize every word and make it part of your soul. More simply, learn what it means to be the best.
Perhaps in this issue you will find kids that are bright, full of bright like Fulbright scholars (Ego, pg. 10), or you will even take a gander at where you can get the best muffin, wall decoration, or even the best place to get your wallet jacked while you are asleep (Features, pg. 15). There are also valuable coupons (pg. 6) in this issue. No joke. Using them requires you to cut our magazine to pieces, so you may want to stock up on this issue. Hoard them in your bedroom and hide them from your roommates because, someday, this little magazine that you are holding in your hands will be worth a lot of money.
