Dear Closet Gays,
I didn't think you were gay at first; I thought you were just weird, in the gay way. Then I checked the Facebook, and it seems you have nothing listed as "Interested In." This means you're gay. Check for yourselves. You might not even realize you yourself are gay. In any case, I'm mad at you. I think clothes belong in the closet, not you. Like, let's say I meet you and we become acquaintances. I find you attractive and good to talk to, but I need to know whether to ask you out or ask you to go shopping with me. I need to know whether we are flirting in the Will & Grace way or the Will & Jack way. C'mon. Throw me a bone here, or at least a label. Or a ladle. Are you confused? I bet you are.
Here is a list of you: Richard Gere, the Mask & Wig Club, R. Kelly (old news) and Jazzy Fournier. There may be others. Here is a test: Do you like men? Do you like like men? Do you claim to like women but you're lying? Then, you're a closet gay. My tip to you: be true to yourself. Pride is really in nowadays, and Penn won that award and all. And if you ever decide not to be gay anymore, you can call my cell. Except for you, Joe Pony. You're gay.
Sincerely,
Liberal Minds
