Last Friday afternoon, Penn students excitedly made the trip to our dear neighbor to the north: Princeton, NJ. The event (the Penn-Princeton football game held at Princeton, that is) happens away from campus only every other year, which makes for a lot of hype and mixed reactions. Since we obviously didn’t actually attend the game, here’s a play-by-play of the trip on which we came to the realization that, save for the cute athlete in math class, Penn and sports mix like oil and vinegar.
3:05 Upon deciding that “it’s obnoxious to not wear Penn clothing,” we scramble to scrounge up the Penn sweatshirts our aunts and uncles bought us when we were accepted (early, muthafuckas) in high school. We reach the consensus that a baseball cap will do. Realizing “we were supposed to be somewhere five minutes ago,” we grab apples for sustenance, anticipating the surplus of beer and lack of nutrition that would mark the hours ahead.
3:12 We arrive at the porch pregame; it's already pretty rowdy.
3:20 A kegstand occurs. So do six more. We decide to search for hard liquor inside. A bottle of difficult-to-pronounce Russian vodka is spotted in the corner. It makes Banker’s taste like Belvedere, but we enjoy it nonetheless. T.I.’s “Whatever You Like” plays an unnecessary number of times.
4:02 We make a quick trip to the bathroom, anticipating the port-a-potties in our future and, upon our return, realize everyone else has boarded the bus. We have no seats. The keg, however, has a seat.
4:23 We have a nice view of Delilah’s from the expressway as we pass through the Spring Garden neighborhood. Someone suggests “screwing Princeton” and going to a strip club instead.
4:50 With 20 cases of Natty Light to spare, we decide to start shotgunning beers. Moving bus + carbonated beverages = bad idea. Our foam-filled stomachs are upset, and we sink into a seat in the front. Whiskey sounds like an okay alternative to beer for the time being, but the variety we have brought along tastes like Windex. As the sun sets, the bus engages in a pub-anthem sing-a-long of sorts. It’s like Smoke’s, except on a bus.
5:28 The trip takes longer than we expected, but we arrive at Princeton.
6:05 We walk around a patch of grass. Our high school friend from some Princeton eating club gives us a hamburger.
6:50 There is a “Red Bull DJ” and Red Bull van, and mostly Princeton students dance. Someone from Penn remarks on giving up all bitterness about being rejected early from Princeton. Hearing rumors that some other Penn bus is leaving soon — unlike ours, which is leaving at 9 — we sneak on.
7:35 The bus is “too crowded” and we are kicked off. We resolve to take New Jersey transit, somehow managing to squeeze seven people into a random Princeton grad student’s Volkswagen. "Hitchhiking is totally fine.”
7:50 We arrive at Princeton’s train station and purchase tickets back to Philadelphia for $13. Upon boarding the train, we learn that we have to transfer trains, “like 40 times.”
8:15-9:45 We hop a train from Princeton to Princeton Junction (which we learn are NOT the same), from Princeton Junction to Trenton and then from Trenton to Philadelphia.
10:00 We're home. Deep breath. Smoke's, anyone?
