11:32 p.m.: Arrive at Beta off–campus house. I’m thinking this is a pit stop to appease my friends before we head to Smoke’s for the night.
11:59 a.m.: Realize we are having fun. Confusedly continue drinking, talking and making fun of freshmen.
1:15 a.m.: Still here. Still having fun? People start to trickle, but can’t leave now: a past hookup looks promising for the night, plus my friends haven’t left yet. I’m safe.
2:04 a.m.: Aaaand everyone’s gone. Or most, except the rando dudes tryna get on some Beta bromance. Bong comes out. Hookup still promising. Smoke sesh commences.
2:19 a.m.: All of a sudden, room turns into Beta senior brofest. Late–night snuggles (with each other) and heart–to–hearts (with each other) begin. Bro–iest of all Betas comes in needing to pour his heart out. Hand on chin, he starts with “Dude, I just feel like...” and I have officially tuned him out. 2:32 a.m.: Whine, whine, whine. Heart–to–heart still in progress, unfortunately. I find myself on a couch stroking one overly emotional Beta’s hair as he confesses his disappointing night (he didn’t tap that). This is officially the weirdest night ever.
2:45 a.m.: Hair–strokee asks me if I will tuck him in. Sure. What the hell. As I turn off the light and say “Don’t let the bed bugs bite,” he asks me why I’m not going to read him a bedtime story. 3:58 a.m.: Finally alone in said hookup’s room. Things starting — phone rings. “Random guys won’t leave our house; be right back.” Boy disappears. I obviously doze while waiting. I’m stranded here, so I might as well get my beauty rest.
3:11 a.m.: Drunk AXO walks in, wedge heels in hand, sees me, gives me the evil eye, and confusedly mumbles what she thinks are coherent thoughts. I stare, silent. Boy comes in. Stares at us. Girl leaves, looking (is it possible?) drunker than when she came in.
3:12 a.m.: Things starting (again) — phone rings. Said drunk girl on other line. Boy disappears (again).
3:15 a.m.: I move from bed to couch. Start texting all my friends. Call a roommate, and we decide I gotta get the fuck outta here.
3:36 a.m.: Boy comes back. “You were gone for a long time,” I say. “I know, I’m so sorry. [Tuck–in boy] was really sad, so I had to be a good friend and talk to him.” I say I’m leaving. Now–dejected boy says, “At least you got to see the inner workings of Beta.” What a consolation prize.
