Jafar is Hotter When You're High

I love weed. I also love Disney movies. But only old-school cartoons; none of this Toy Story bullshit. So one Saturday night, I got blazed and decided to YouTube the best shit Disney has to offer.

First up: Cinderella. OK, Cinderella is, like, the prime rib on Disney’s table. Both of her parents are dead and she reminds me of the chick with daddy issues in my PSYC 001 textbook. Let’s not forget she makes clothes for mice. Mice don’t need clothes, dude — they have fur. And she gives Gus a shirt but no pants. That’s so mean. This made more sense when I was six and (almost) drug-free.

Fantasia is next. This movie will blow your mind if you are baked. The music, the colors, everything’s just so beautiful and the world is awesome and fuuuuuck those squiggly music note things kill me.

The Lion King makes me really upset. Why doesn’t Simba fight back when Scar tells him he killed Mufasa? He just takes it. And leaves. And then Rafiki tells him he’s forgotten his father. THAT’S JUST A LIE. Simba NEVER forgot Mufasa, not for a single day. Even fooling around with that skank Nala couldn’t drive Mufasa from his mind. You can’t break the father-son bond, dude.

Also, just for the record, Jasmine is straight up the hottest Disney princess. She can rub my genie’s lamp any time.

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