Withhold thine judgment, middle America! Let he who has never gotten coked up and naked with a pornstar and trashed his Plaza hotel room while on a family vacation cast the first stone.
Charlie Sheen brought us another blessed week with news of a drug–fueled romp that the actor himself has no recollection of. Luckily, the media was there to remind him — another luxury that fame has afforded to Charlie Sheen, in addition to the extraordinary ability to never be fired.
As he woke up to the collective camera glare of the nation, the same thoughts ran through Sheen’s head as those that walloped the men of The Hangover upon their collective rising after a similarly ridiculous evening.
Luckily, no chickens, babies or tigers have been found wandering the halls of Eloise’s favorite hotspot since that fateful night. But a stripper’s kindred spirit and best friend has been found all over the Internet, eager to dish on her role in Sheen’s imitation of fiction.
Next time, Charlie, perhaps you should pick your date more wisely. Take a cue from Ed Helms and only party with sex workers who you would be willing to marry.
But more importantly, learn from Bradley Cooper’s example and leave your damned kids at home. As much as it blows to lose your best friend Doug, it sucks way worse to misplace your spawn.
