As children raised by Wiccan parents who celebrated Samhain in lieu of Halloween for the first 18 October 31sts of our lives, we at Lowbrow want to make up for lost time and salvage any remnants of a proper childhood while we still can. That’s why this year we decided to dress up like our cool, better–looking cousin, Highbrow… only sluttier.

Killer Addiction By RAIGE PUBIN

Let’s face it, we’ve all been there. Your boyfriend dumped you for that bitch Stephanie whose hair isn’t even that nice; Daddy refused to pay for your trip to Cancun; Mother introduced you to another one of her “work friends”; that saladista at Sweetgreen didn’t put your dressing on the side after you specifically asked him twice; and your score fell below the curve on your first Math 104 midterm. In other words, we’ve all had rough weeks.

At first, I did it just to let off some steam­. I did it once and thought that I’d stop there, but I soon realized that it was the perfect fix after a hectic day at Penn. It relaxed me and provided a 10–minute escape from work. Besides, I wasn’t hooked; I knew I could stop whenever I wanted.

I did it occasionally, usually just once a week: when somebody took my laundry out of the machine before it was done, when some Philadelphia outreach program was flyering extra obnoxiously on Locust or when some jerk told me I was PMSing while I was PMSing.

But soon, it became an addiction. I pursued this new recreation with ferocious eagerness and bloodlust. I’d do it not only when I was feeling stressed or needed a boost of self–esteem, but almost every night for no particular reason at all. I hid my guilty secret in the BioPond, got high off the thrill it gave me and, soon enough, Stephanie rotted into a distant memory. I suspected that I could still quit, but I no longer wanted to. I lived for the exhilarating rush it gave me.

And really, what’s the point? For the first time I actually have a real–life, one–of–a–kind Halloween costume that I didn’t have to scramble together in one night: axe murderer. Wait, what did you think I was talking about?

More from Lowbrow: Toasts and Roasts: Lowbrow Edition Overheard at Penn: Lowbrow Edition True Life: Lowbrow Edition