*This article is a part of the the Fall 2011 Joke Issue: Real Housewives of 34th Street.
With their bad behavior snagging most headlines, the Housewives from coast to coast are in dire need of a role model. These women need someone who understands their glamorous lifestyle and jetsetting ways, but who spends her time doing more than attending midday cocktail parties and lingerie shopping sprees. Luckily, there’s someone right here at Penn who can teach these ladies a thing or two: our president, Amy Gutmann. She runs this school, and she’s got it all. House Who needs a 10,000 sq. ft. suburban McMansion when you can have Amy’s Walnut Street abode? Although we haven't seen much of it besides the first floor and surprisingly spacious backyard, we can assume it's just as elegantly appointed, making this the perfect home base for Penn's leading lady. Does she even live here? Who cares. Parties Valentine's Day, Commencement or Finals, Amy's never heard of an occasion that she can't turn into a party, usually tented in her backyard. Halloween, though, is always her shining moment, and she never fails to put together a costume that puts every freshman "Where's Waldo" to shame. Exhibit A — The Mad Hatter.
Book Books on cooking and etiquette? Amy's way past that, having published tomes on law and democracy, among other decidedly un–housewife friendly topics.
Wardrobe You won't find any cleavage or inappropriate hemlines here. Amy's style is clean and conservative, heavy on monochromatic pantsuits and demure footwear. Sometimes, though, even Amy will take a fashion risk. We'll let our readers decide if it pays off.
Friends Gracing the pages of In Touch? As if. Amy is used to hanging with the political and educational A–list wherever she goes. From serving on President Obama's Bioethics Commission to chilling with Arianna Huffington at the World Economic Forum in Switzerland, she's a true jetsetter. And all those illustrious commencement speakers, from Denzel to Jon Huntsman Jr. [Ed note: Look at all the fun they're having in this pic!], got some quality face–time with the leading lady.
Humanitarian Efforts Amy kind of wrote the book on this. No really, she co–authored a book called Work and Welfare. Aside from that, we feel her save–the–world presence on the reg, without actually seeing her… ever. From making Philadelphia and Penn "greener," to increasing Penn's educational presence around the world and joining up with students combatting racism in a silent protest on college green, Amy is ubiquitous.
Fans Sure, we all poke a little fun at our esteemed prez, but we've got nothing but love for Amy. And judging by the praise she gets wherever she goes, we don't think we're alone. Need further proof? Check out UndertheButton.com's Chasing Amy series.
