*This article is a part of the the Fall 2011 Joke Issue: Real Housewives of 34th Street.
DO: Marry rich. Who gets married for love anymore, right? Find the next billionaire and put a ring on it. Then make sure everyone knows you don’t need a man to be in the spotlight.
DON'T: Agree to a prenup. In the highly likely event that the fairy tale doesn’t have a happy ending, you don’t want to end up with just a slice of the wedding cake… you want the whole damn thing. Besides, it’s his fault, isn’t it?
DO: Remember that being catty is always the way up. Being polite to those below you is simply a waste of time. And when it comes to dealing with “friends,” a good glass of wine to the face never hurt anyone.
DON'T: Never admit fault. Whether or not she heard you tell her husband about her affair, you have no idea what she is talking about: "Sorry" is not in the vocabulary of a classy woman. Besides, she forgot you are in your vegan phase right now and served lamb as the main course at the last dinner party. She had it coming.
DO: Get a Surrogate, and a Nanny. Unless you have the genes of Natalie Portman, say hello to chunky cellulite thighs and throw away those Comme des Garcons jeans. No one expects you to be one of those crafty DIY mothers. Without a nanny, you can say goodbye to Rodeo–Drive–and–me time. Don’t even think you can chase your sextuplets in Louboutin heels.
DO: Leave any of it off tape. Live by the mantra: there is no such thing as bad publicity. Every aspect of your life is entertainment gold; no shame.
DON'T: Wear only next season’s fashions. If it’s already in ready–to–wear, it’s already out. Just make sure everything fits your young perky body just right — hip–hugging and cleavage bearing! Don’t hide your most expensive reworked assets.
DO: Leave Your Stylist at Home. If you’re styling yourself after age 16 you aren’t worth a second glance.
DON'T: Explore your many talents. Reality TV is the gateway to your singing/acting/modeling/dancing dreams! Daddy always told you how beautiful and talented you were, and the rest of the world should know too.
DO: Be discouraged by critics. They’re just jealous. If Paris Hilton can have a #1 download on iTunes, so can you!
