*This article is a part of the the Fall 2011 Joke Issue: Real Housewives of 34th Street.

As any true housewife knows, husbands are an essential part of maintaining the super fab, luxurious lifestyle that goes along with the title of being a real housewife. I mean, I’m obviously not going to be working, and my Louboutins, Pradas and Guccis aren’t going to buy themselves… There are just so many things to think about! When I have babies, who’s going to fund their premiere designer wardrobe, fully equipped with a diamond studded pacifier and Louis Vuitton diaper bag? Who will support my Harry Winston jewelry habit? And, who’s going to fly in my $8,000 anti–aging cream from Africa?! I’d rather die than have wrinkles. There’s only one answer: my husband.

The best kind of husband is the one who’s about to die and leave you all his money. Naturally, no housewife would ever would ever admit that, since her life insurance company would have a field day, but we all know it’s true. A housewife should take pride in knowing that she can bat her eyelashes, seal the deal and get a nice hefty reward out of it all in about six months. His kids will be mad for a hot minute, but they’ll get over it as quickly as you got over him and moved on with the hot gardener from next door.

Post–funeral, this housewife is in her prime; she’s filthy rich, young, single and didn’t have to lift a finger to do it. Cheers to you, babe. The other option is to settle. While he may not be suffering from a terminal illness or be super hot, this kind of husb is loaded, moderately attractive… oh yeah, and loaded! He’ll make you look really good by comparison in every photo, and he'll worship the ground you walk on. He’ll likely be weirdly metrosexual and like to take you shopping, but that won’t bother you because now you have another mani–pedi partner! Yay!

And finally, there’s the husband that you’re actually in love with­ — go figure. Even though his bank account won’t compare to your dead ex–husband’s, at least he won’t have to take a double dose of Viagra and will actually be attractive. Major plus. You guys also will have kids… together, and they'll def be the cutest, least fucked up kind. The housewife lovey–dovey couple of the year is obvs Beverly Hills’ Kyle and Mauricio. His accent? I die. Keep your eyes on him, Kyle! You really can't trust the others…

So future housewives, listen up, do whatever it takes to find your money! Did I say money? Oops… I mean man! So, go on Millionaire Matchmaker, hold auditions, sign up for J–date. But make sure to check the books with his accountants before making it official. We don’t want any frauds here. You can never be too skinny or too rich, so get out there, limit yourself to one grape a day and find your Mr. Moneybags!

More in Highbrow: Overheard at Penn Dispatches: Michaele Salahi Crashes the White House The Round–Up: 12.08.2011