–6 if you cried when you heard ABP was closing. +6 if you somehow don’t know what ABP stands for. Good for you.
+4 if an Occupy protester threw something at you on your way into Huntsman. –8 if you participated in the protest and chose not to shower for weeks.
+3 if you even know what the Education Commons is (are?). +5 if you can find it (them?).
+5 if you were mentioned in a Penn alert. –2 if you were the culprit.
+3 if you raged to Tiësto. -4 if you did it on the bleachers. +7 if you fell on someone.
–10 if you dealt with the construction of Locust with a smile and a high head. Why weren’t you miserable like the rest of us?
+10 if you had the Philly Diner Meat Lover’s Omelette and lived to tell the tale. T–shirts will be sold at the front door.
–8 if your favorite restaurant was taken in the Great Restaurant Genocide. Gone, but not forgotten.
+5 If you remembered that Huntsman ran for GOP. +10 if you’re mysteriously attracted to him. Love you Jon!
–3 if you endlessly complained about Geoffrey Canada as a graduation speaker. Didn’t Denzel teach you anything?
–15 if you’ve already hooked up with a pre-–frosh. –30 if you wrote a Shoutout about it.
–3 if you questioned whether Capogiro gelato was truly the best in the world. This is why we can’t have nice things.
+5 if you’ve touched Amy Gutmann this year. Never wash that hand. That skin could be worth millions someday.
–5 if your frat got/is getting kicked off campus. +16 if it was your fault.
+10 if the UA hazed your sorry ass. –15 if they made you cry.
+5 if you’ve taken advantage of the bipolar weather –5 if you’ve tweeted upwards of 10 times about it. #thetrendisover #getoverit
+100 if you’re Zack Rosen.
–4 if you got your red–and–blue panties in a bunch after the New York Times confused us with Penn State. –15 if you own a “Not Penn State” shirt. BURN IT.
+8 if you’ve managed to work a Hunger Games reference into all of your classes this semester. May the odds (of getting laid) be ever in your favor.
–4 if you kept your Kony 2012 merchandise even after the movement died. +5 if you plan to refurbish it as an ironic Halloween costume.
–113: You’re actually the worst. Do you even go here?
–112 to –56: Oof. Either you took this drunk or you really are that lame. Try harder.
–56 to –1: You’re probably a freshman.
0: WHOA MAN. Your score added to zero?! You must feel awesome. But let us remind you, your score added to zero.
1 to 55: Your OCR rejections say you’re “earnest and determined, but we don’t think this is the right fit for you.” Better luck on Craigslist.
56 to 110: Liar.
111: You’re perfect, but not Zack Rosen.
211: You’re Zack Rosen and you’re perfect. Never change.
