- You're never too old for this
1. Store a bottle of Jack in the bushes outside McDonald’s. You’ll need this when the bars close — which they will, at 2 o’clock.
2. Do something crazy pre-5AM. Crashing an actual wedding may feel a little ambitious, but hopping into Smokes through the window is not. Hit on your Spring Semester crush. Say you play for the Yankees, we don’t care — you lost a lot of good men out there. End the night at Legion to kill time until the sun comes up. Attire: formal. They don’t need to know where you’ve been.
3. When the sky seems bright enough, head back to MickyD’s to recover your goods (and a Snack Wrap). Begin your trek to the Art Museum*. Run up the steps Rocky-style (hey, now we’ve got two movies) with your friend of choice in tow. When you get to the top, find a particularly comfortable square of stone on which to crash.
4. Begin conversation. Pass the brown paper bag-clad bottle between the two of you and reminisce on all the dumb shit you did last year. Debate whether you’re getting too old for all of this, then take another swig.
Congratulations! You’re officially one step closer to booking a movie deal (after all, there are only really five stories in Hollywood). Plus, while Owen and Vince may have passed their prime, take solace in the fact that you, my friend, are still young. Cut.
*If you’re walking, make sure to do so in pairs -- we’re not so keen on Law & Order.
