Breakfast: There’s nothing that fights heartache like a little self-empowerment. Before breakfast, go for a light jog. Eat a grapefruit, have skim milk with your Special K, and avoid overly sweet pastries or greasy bacon. Think about how good you’ll feel! Alternatively, just say “fuck it” and eat Belgian Waffles in your PJs while streaming “Girls.”

Lunch: After having been up for a few hours, all the love in the air might start to make you feel a little bitter. Don’t let it get to you. Instead, head on down to your favorite cafe with your similarly afflicted friend from Marxism class and rant about the commercialization of romance.

Dinner: Avoid cutesy boutique restaurants like the plague, for they will be brimming with your enemy: people in love. Why not cook your favorite dinner for yourself?  Nothing soothes the heart’s woes like good old home cookin’, and preparing your own food has the added advantage of distracting you from how much you hate yourself.

Midnight Snack: Nutella plus a spoon. You did good; you deserve it. The flavor is enhanced by the saltiness of your tears.


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