Coming to college and moving into a postage–stamp sized room with someone you barely know can be confusing, awkward and frustrating if you don’t treat him/her with respect. You may have signed a roommate contract and turned it over to your dorky RA, but we very much doubt it fully covered the most critical situation—what do you do when you want to bring someone home? How do you bang in your XL twin bed?
Worry not beautiful quakers, Street’s got you covered. Learn from our mistakes. This is Sextiquette: Roommate Edition.
- Do NOT just assume that your roommate will be okay with vacating the room on the second night of NSO because you DFMOd with this super hot person and just need to get to know his/her genitals. Having the conversation before you have a 3 a.m. suitor will save you a lot of drama. Seriously, it may be awkward AF, but you need a plan in case of emergency. It can be as simple as, “Hey, if either one of us needs to get it in, let’s have a plan that the other person hangs out in the lounge for an hour.”*
- It’s college. Get crafty. Hooking up in your dorm room should be the worst–case scenario. Recommended locations include laundry rooms, lounges, that music–practice room behind McClelland in the quad, 5th floor of VP,
the Street Office...
- Figure out your roommate’s schedule. Have sex during the day. 2 p.m. booty calls are underrated.
- For God’s sake, do not have sex while your roommate is in the room. You may think you are being sneaky, but they can 100 percent tell what’s going on under the sheets.
- On that note, check and double check your roommate’s bed to ensure they aren’t asleep in it. Sounds ridiculous, but believe us, it’s happened.
- Avoid hall–cest at all costs. Now, this can sometimes be extremely difficult. Willpower is only so strong. If you must hook up with the guy in the triple at the end of the hall, at least wait until second semester. The less time you have to run into them on your walk of shames, the better.
- Avoid sleepovers, unless your roommates have assured you that they are okay with it. How are you fitting a second person in that tiny bed anyway?
- Lock your damn door. We really can’t tell you how many times we’ve been walked in on by friendly hallmates, subjecting them to an image that may possibly be echoed in their brains forever. If your roommate comes in unexpectedly, at least you will have time to pretend you’re “watching a movie” or “doing a new form of yoga” while they struggle to open the door.
- As with sex, roommate sextiquette is a two–way street. If they give you an hour in the room when they’d rather be sleeping, be sure to return the favor.
- Share the details. If your lovely roomie can tolerate your sexcapades, they at least deserve a good story. Maybe leave out the part about fucking on their desk because yours was too messy, though.
Go forth and fornicate.
*This does not entitle you to a night of passion in your shared bedroom.