Tall Iced Chai Tea Latte
Little do these Starbucks aficionados know, but chai means “tea,” so when they step up to the counter and order their “tea tea latte” they’re really just making a fool of themselves. But, we’d bet that Starbucks social suicide doesn’t really matter to them because they are already publicly supporting Oprah’s quality tea brand. In the end, just as long as they get a chai tea, you get a chai tea, and we all get a chai tea, everyone will be happy.
Grande S’mores Frappuccino
Give this man a candy bar. It’s what he really wants. He’s just disguising his sweet tooth in coffee form so that he doesn’t have to endure the perceived judgment of onlookers as he chows down on a Snickers and two Kit Kats whilst pouring himself over his orgo notes. He tried to be satisfied with a hot chocolate, but felt weird about the absolute absence of coffee, so this way he can pretend the energy of his sugar rush is partly from the minute traces of caffeine. Only the barista knows his pain.
Venti Passion Tea Lemonade
This drink is for the girl who’s on the go but doesn’t do well with a strong caffeine rush. She would’ve opted for a regular green tea, but the pink punch of passion fruit went better with her look. The added sugar from the lemonade really helps to put that pep in her step. After one sip, she’s ready to conquer the world Elle Woods style.
Tall Pumpkin Spice Latte
This seasonal betch is most likely wearing riding boots, a Barbour jacket and an infinity scarf. She pretends to have the same caffeinated punch as the shot of espresso she’s made with but everyone knows her intimidation factor is equivalent to that of a piece of pie with a lack of structural integrity. Ordering a PSL may make you basic, but it’ll also just make you happy.
Venti Americano, Double Cup, No Sleeve
Do not approach this person before they receive their drink unless you want to have a fast–paced conversation about how they’re “just so overworked and only got three hours of sleep last night but still have so much work to do.” Post–order they’ll be so busy adding Splenda, skim milk and ice cubes to their drink to make it a chug-able consistency that the most you’ll get out of the interaction will be a rushed “Hey! How are you? Lunch soon?” Engage with at your own risk.
Grande English Breakfast
What the person behind this drink order really needs is an espresso shot, but her taste aversion to coffee is so strong she convinces herself that she can just have four of these and it’s the same thing. She’s that absurdly positive person who comes up with “bright sides” to pitch black situations but still tries to refer to herself as a cynic. She’s classy, calm and definitely not collected––but is skilled enough at lying to herself that she can pretend she’s got it all figured out.
Venti Iced Green Tea Latte
This health freak likes to feel one with nature when she drinks her beloved Starbucks beverage. She arrives at the counter wearing her indie backpack from Urban Outfitters and washed out flannel shirt tied around her waist. She’s a die–hard vegan so you know without a doubt that she will not be having her matcha mixed into regular milk. She’ll reiterate a few times how she will take her latte with either soy, almond or coconut milk that day depending on what her mood ring tells her that day and will roll her eyes when the barista adds 80 cents to her order for the switch. As she leaves Starbucks, one of her comrades will ask her why her drink has a bright green hue and she’ll most definitely relate her reasoning back to her intimate relationship with nature that she discovered while on PennQuest.