Early this week, after what reportedly was a dramatic showdown on Locust Walk, Penn student Suzy McCray (C‘19) sued Ashley Wilder (C’19) for failing to follow through with lunch plans made earlier in the semester.

“Every time I passed her on Locust Walk,” Suzy wailed in between gasps for air as tears streaked down her face in the courtroom, “she would run over and be like ‘OH MY GAWD!! I HAVEN’T SEEN YOU IN A THOUSAND YEARS! WE HAVE TO GET LUNCH!’ But then we just never got lunch. And it made me feel like she didn’t actually want to get lunch with me. I mean, who does that to someone?!” The accuser seemed to have more to say but became thoroughly overwhelmed by emotion and had to be escorted out of the courtroom by a consoling and overpaid lawyer.

Defendant Wilder smacked gum as she watched Suzy’s departure with dead eyes and, presumably, a dead soul. The judge, one of the security guards at The Radian, where they both reside, called Ashley to the stand. The defendant conspicuously rolled her eyes and pulled her trendy baseball cap lower on her face.

“Like, yeah, it’s true. Whenever I see Suzy I literally have no idea who she is. But somehow, my invitation to get lunch spills out of me like word vomit. I try to hold it in, but it’s actually an involuntary reaction that I’m currently getting treated for.”

Medical problems notwithstanding, Wilder seemed to move both judge and jury with her impassioned and completely logical argument. Tears sparkled out of the corners of the doorman/judge’s eyes as he gazed down at the defendant.

“But like, when I say, 'Let’s get lunch,’ I never really mean, ‘Let’s get lunch,’” continued Wilder, rationally. “Once I realize who she is, I am obviously actually like, ‘I hate that you got with Alex Breaker at the ZBT party two weeks ago so I stopped speaking to you.' But now, like, I feel like a bad person because me and Alex Breaker have never actually spoken, you know? So I act really excited to see you until we pass each other so I can hate you in peace. And I feel like that’s really clear. My mouth is like, ‘Let’s get lunch’ but my eyes are like, ‘I will literally never get lunch with you.’ It’s not really my fault that she interpreted ‘Let’s get lunch’ as ‘I actually want to get lunch.’ That’s just weird. Like, does she even go here? This is so basic Penn.”

The jury, coincidentally made up exclusively of Wilder’s twenty best friends, who also all live in the Radian, stood up and enthusiastically applauded Ashley’s intelligent remarks. She, too, was escorted from the courtroom, carried by flakey Penn students cheering for their lawful right to pretend to be friendlier than they actually are.