Content warning: The following text describes schizophrenia, sexual assault, and suicide, and can be disturbing and/or triggering for some readers. Please find resources listed at the bottom of the article.
Look into these brown almond eyes and you’ll see I’m the girl, no, the schizo next door. And, like a chewed up piece of gum, life spits me out lifeless and drained of color in 2016 after a four–month stint at a psych ward where I’m diagnosed with schizophrenia after a psychotic breakdown. My own mind tortures me. I’m brutalized and experience painful tactile physical sensations. I hear voices from people that aren’t there, see things that don’t exist, and believe in a storyline that my mind creates. Yet, looks are deceiving—while I feel used and thrown out of orbit, I glimmer in fashionable dresses, scarlet lipstick, and gold glitter freckles. I walk this world on a tightrope, a fine line between being tightly wound and in control, and falling into the chaos beneath the surface, simmering. It’s tamed by medication, therapy, and careful care. I haven’t had any symptoms since my release—in fact, my anti–psychotic medication has been lowered a few times.
My trauma didn’t just break me; it shattered my spirit and essence. It’s like “Jenny” doesn’t exist and I’m just going through the motions. I miss the person I used to be, the one that lived. But it’s hard to remember what she’s like, her laughter a distance away, her hope and dreams faded. The place I long for most is innocence—my mind before it fractured from reality and I spend four months living a nightmare that my doctors can’t break me out of. Broken might be a cliché word, and a pessimistic one, but the experience destroys me. It leaves me and my life in ruins. The psych wards haunt my imagination, the lingering antiseptic smell mixed with the faint odor of urine, walking the floors in the hospital anti–slip socks, the awful taste of the same hospital food served week after week, the sights of others’ negative reactions to my insanity.
In 2015, I am a victim of my own mind and it’d take everything from me but my life. When I lose grasp of myself, I run outside through the woods, thorns prickling my legs and watch my hold on reality break like a necklace clasp. I remember: I move to Paris, I burn and toss out all of my clothes, I let Him dictate what I wear every day, how I style my hair, how I paint my lips in the crimson shade He likes, I am not allowed to talk to other men or have male friends or find any other man attractive. I remember: I walk into a room full of other patients and yell at the top of my lungs, “I wish He was in love with me!” I keep my eyes closed until I am told I can open them. Doctors, police officers, and medical staff press on my sternum so hard trying to “wake” me up, I cry from the physical pain and it leaves stained bruises, but I won’t open my eyes for them to their consternation, and I’m yelled at, stabbed forcefully with needles, and threatened with a defibrillator.
I remember: I wish I never have to poop again and believe it and all of my wishes come true, I hallucinate being raped by others and feeling my body be split and torn, pinned down as I scream for help only to be ignored as I experience the pain of being tortured and feeling glass shards shove into my vaginal canal so they dig, rip, and cut into the flesh walls. I remember: cats speak Spanish, and dogs speak French so people can learn languages easily, I fight aliens and save the world, I hear the whispers and voices of all my loved ones, and His. I believe all these things and that I’m an angel. I’m unable to leave the house for five years because I’m embarrassed. I believe I’m fucked in the head and irreparable.
There is a slow transition to my healing. In 2021, I will begin to work at a small clothing boutique where I’m terrified of speaking to customers, left so paralyzed by anxiety that I leave. In 2022, I work at the bookstore that the manager from will write my recommendation letter for Penn. In 2023, I will receive my associate’s degree. In 2024, I will work my first full–time job. In 2025, I will take over 100 sleeping pills and fasten a gas bag around my head. In 2025, I will also take a local writing class, date my first boyfriend, publish a poem, be accepted into Penn, attain a 4.0 GPA, and transform my life.
My care team considers me the model patient. They present my case to the head of psychiatry at Overlook Medical Centrr in New Jersey. Me: an underprivileged girl with severe mental health issues who survives a suicide attempt in 2025 and overcomes it all. Who goes on to make a full recovery, moves to Philadelphia to live on her own, and works three jobs while attending an Ivy League institution. I don’t feel like an imposter amongst the normal, sanely untouched crowds, but like an “other.” My case is a strange one. I look on Reddit under r/schizophrenia and see people mention how they are pretending, severely suffering on the inside. I do not struggle with socializing or with people. I thrive on human interaction. I’m charismatic and easy to talk to. I can work, I can attend school, and I can and am succeeding.
It feels easy now, but people don’t know the violence it takes to become this gentle, to attain this peace.
Campus Resources:
The HELP Line: 215-898-HELP, A 24–hour–a–day phone number for members of the Penn community who seek help in navigating Penn's resources for health and wellness.
Counseling and Psychological Services, 215-898-7021 (active 24/7): The counseling center for the University of Pennsylvania.
Student Health Service: 215-746-3535, Student Health Service can provide medical evaluations and treatment to victims/survivors of sexual and relationship violence regardless of whether they make a report or seek additional resources. Both male and female providers can perform examinations, discuss testing and treatment of sexually transmissible infections, provide emergency contraception if necessary, and arrange for referrals and follow up.
Reach–A–Peer Hotline: 215-573-2727 (every day from 9 p.m. to 1 a.m.), A peer hotline to provide peer support, information, and referrals to Penn students.
Penn Violence Prevention: 3935 Walnut St, Suite 400, 215-746-2642, (Office Hours: 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. Monday–Friday), 9:30 a.m. to 5:30 p.m. Monday–Friday located in Penn Women's Center (3643 Locust Walk), Read the Penn Violence Prevention resource guide.
Sexual Trauma Treatment Outreach and Prevention Team: A multidisciplinary team at CAPS dedicated to supporting students who have experienced sexual trauma.
Public Safety Special Services: 215-898-6600, Trained personnel offer crisis intervention, accompaniment to legal and medical proceedings, options counseling and advocacy, and linkages to other community resources.
Penn Women’s Center: 3643 Locust Walk, 215-898-8611 (Monday–Friday from 10 a.m. to 4 p.m.), pwc@pbox.upenn.edu. PWC provides confidential crisis and options counseling.
