Humor
The Intern: A Summer Experience
Rachel Stern-Stein is the typical Penn student, living the life and spending the summer interning at a top-notch investment bank.
Shoutouts: Spring 2009
To the avant-garde transfer: So, you’re bipolar. Too bad both of your personalities suck. To my roommate who never showers: I spray you with Febreze while you’re asleep. To all of you who start your sentences with, “I’m not gonna lie”: You guys should get together with those kids who start their questions with “I have a question…” Then you could go around stating obvious truths until you were comfortable with your intellectual abilities. To the drunk baseball player: Asking me if I know “Candace” and then saying “Candace dick fit in your mouth?” was not the best way to get me into bed. To Penn Fashion Week: Man leggings?
It’s a Penndemic!
The average unaffiliated freshperson, basically insecure due to some long frustration, will react with psychosomatic symptoms to this most treacherous of afflictions: PENNital Herpes.
Go Go Power Rangers!
After a good run as Angel Grove’s top martial arts fighting squad, they hung up their Zords in favor of “normal” teenage lives.
The Worst of Penn 2009
Acronym for a (CHILDREN'S) Hospital: CHOP Exploitation of the Penn Name: Pennacle What are you?
Birth: A Cautionary Tale
Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet Eating her curds and whey Along came a Humpty who was just so Dumpty And asked Miss Muffet to play “Little Miss Muffet, come sit on my tuffet I know how to make your day” “Oh Mr. Dumpty won’t you please Humpt-me? I won’t even ask you to pay” After their lovin’ A bun in the oven Was a surprise to one and all But it didn’t stop there They just didn’t care One wasn’t enough at all Nine more babies A plague, like rabies Made Muffet and Dumpty mad “Why did we do it? We didn’t think through it! Adding more people was bad” Overpopulation Is no vacation It makes us very sad But that’s what you get When you forget There is limited space on earth So stop having kiddies You fat ugly biddies Life without children is mirth Don’t make like these two Have less than a few Our planet needs no more birth.
Feng Shui the Penn Way
Tory Burch: A perfect princess deserves her pretty pink throne. But don’t let the bed fool you, innocence stops at the frills. Ben Franklin: “Early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise.” Ben clearly valued time spent in bed, making the perfect boudoir of utmost importance.
What Penn Alum Are You... In Bed?
Penn regurgitates some pretty impressive peeps, yo. You should aspire not only for their powers in the boardroom, but also their prowess in the bedroom.
Valentwitter
postulaTORY is avoiding her ex on V-Day who keeps attempting to win her back with insider-y references and stalker-like moves.
Rhyming Couplets
Kitchen closes at 6 pee em Then you say to customers: ahem ahem hem Metropolitan Bakery you are So close and yet so far Up Walnut Street I skip To have a tasty sip of your Peruvian drip Still scared am I to spill (Though it may be half the thrill) And though your bread may be old I’m just too hungry to scold
Ode to a WaWa Slushie/Ode from a WaWa Slushie
TO A WAWA SLUSHIE You are bounteous in icy composition Red 5, corn syrup — nothing but the best I crave you Cherry?
Food for Thought
I am sad. I am melancholy. You’d think I’d be sprightly. What, with my colorful combinations and my bittersweet rosemary balsamic honey mustard garb?
Shoutouts Fall 2008
To the assistant women’s soccer coach: If you serve it into my box, I’ll finish every time. To the KapSig who convinced a freshman to take it in the ass because “that’s what college girls do when they have their periods”: Why not just ask one of your brothers? To the girls with the stripper pole right by your window: Just know that we skip Shabbat dinner every week to watch your sexy Friday night show.
Amelia Bedelia-Cohen GOES TO PENN
I started the day off hungry, so I asked someone where I could get something to eat. They told me, "Try Houston!" I'm pretty sure they were messing with me though: Houston is so far away!
Fashion! Turn to the left! Fashion! Turn to the right! Fashion! Doooo!
We’ve supplied you with four celebrity heads, two anatomically correct bodies and a multitude of mix ’n’ match ensembles: a traditional all-denim Canadian tuxedo, Renaissance Fair couture and entry-level hipster gear.
Things You Might Confuse With Paganism
The Amish Mormons Feminists Farm hands People that eat at Qdoba Vegans Freegans (actually Pagans) The Real Le Ahn Daniel Radcliffe in Equus
