Humor
Mortimer's Slaughterhouse
Your goblet overfloweth with frothy mead at this favorite polytheistic haunt. While you wait, enjoy hors d’oeuvres and h’orgies.
How To Keep Your Sex Life Alive When You Won't Be For Long!
Diabetes Things are different now that you regulate your own blood sugar. Always choose sugar-free whipped cream for your make-your-own-sundae fantasies.
Breaking News
AP Florida — The AIDS virus is spreading at an alarming rate in elderly resort communities in Delray Beach, sources say.
Old Balls, Loose Skin
Ladies and gentlemen, we are all going to get old. And annoying. Inevitably, as we age, our genitals will shrivel and our gender lines will blur.
Vice Presidential Debate Drinking Game
Follow these rules and at least you'll get drunk before you cry yourself to sleep 1. Palin pauses: Chug 'til she talks 2.
What You Need
Is to just listen to me. I mean, I know I'm only a mouth, but I have some serious life experience. We've vomited together, we've whistled many a tune and remember that time we ate all those Tostitos?
Register Or Die
Breaking News 17-year-old Canadian Student Bludgeoned to Death Over Registration Mishap PHILADELPHIA (AP) - The body of freshman engineering student Jean-Claude DuPont was found in the UPS trailer by the historic Quadrangle this morning.
What You Need...
As if I don't already have enough agoraphobia-inducing triggers, I now have to worry about the daylight's effect on my self-confidence.
Freshman Superlatives
A tradition here at 34th Street that reminds you to keep your Facebook profile private. Just hope that this is the last time you find yourself in the back of the magazine.
WHAT YOU NEED...
what you need... BIRTHRIGHT ISRAEL ...is to just give me a chance. I know I'm not Jewish, and I'm okay with that.
TRAPPED: TWO BOYS, ONE ELEVATOR
For 30 minutes you have been waiting in your 4th floor Harnwell room. You sit there, stupidly, unaware of the harrowing crisis taking place right outside your room.
Shout Outs
To the Smokes bouncer in Castle: You're lucky you work in the dark because otherwise everyone would see the glare from your bald spot. To my a cappella group: Please stop getting drunk and making out with each other.
ONLINE ONLY SHOUT OUTS
To UTV: Your ugly set and deafening sound make our eyes and ears bleed simultaneously. Please stop punishing us all for the failures of Penn athletics.
Missed Connections at Penn
When we published an ad for this, we weren't sure what kind of responses we were going to get, if any.
Worst of Penn 2008
Worst Place to End it All: Trader Joe's So, you've finally had enough of this cruel world. Life is nothing but painful and meaningless, and your dark thoughts are getting the better of you.
Meet The Thieves Of Van Pelt
Next to the system that ensures that more than half of all Wharton students successfully cheat on all their assignments, the Van Pelt stealing system is the biggest, most complex system that violates school policy.
Spring Break: Kosovo
The birthplace of history. The wet nurse of Western culture. While we'll never know for sure, it's safe to say that early religious leaders probably meant the Balkans when they talked about the "promised land." Who doesn't harbor some instinctual urge to travel to the Balkans - to swim upstream, to stand where our ancestors stood, to roll in the grasses that they once rolled in?
